remember the time....

remember the time i missed my flight home to bc, and then had to wait 7 hours in the airport on standby for a flight that ended up being delayed 3 hours? and remember the time i couldn't get on that flight standby, or on any other flight home fro the next 3 days unless i flew from toronto, to montreal, to winnipeg, to calgary to vancouver and then caught a bus to kelowna? so i decided to wait for the next available standby flight on christmas morning? so i wouldn't be able to get home til 11am on christmas day - and even that wasn't a 100% guarantee? and then i had to call my boyfriend to pick me up at the airport at 130 am and i hadn't even gone anywhere?
remember that time?
that was good times.
merry christmas.
west jet can suck my balls.

phew

i actually have a day off of work. two days off! insane! last night was my last split shift and i thought i was going to pass out in my last hour... but no, i survived.. because i'm a survivor. just like destiny's child.

also... i had coffee with the friend who likes me too much... and i think he's gotten the hint. unless he's just playing it cool until his next plan of attack... ahhh!! dun dun dunnnnnn....
whatever... i feel releif anyway.

this blog is lame.
my head feels like a block of cheese.
i was going to go to the gym.
maybe i'll skip the gym and eat cookie dough instead.
it's just a thought.

yummy

my hot boyfriend is making me ukranian food.
lots of it.
very sexy.

horray to being in a relationship :)

of course i'm only in it for the food... and the sex...
just kidding.

(i kind of felt like saying "Not!!" instead of "just kidding" - it was like this flashback to grade 6. i think i'm going to bring it back... not!! hahahaha)

tactful getaway

soo...
still stressing on how to get rid of persistant man who likes me too much.
unfortunately i chose to initiate a coffee date a week and a half ago.
i feel that this gave a wrong impression.
now there are phone calls.
probably should make second coffee date and bring this up in person.
probably most tactful way to go.

none of this would be a problem if i wasn't such an attention whore. i don't want attention anymore. i have enough attention.
i guess this is what i get.

bah.

fear of what?

so i'm facing my fears.
i'm not running away.
hmmmmm...
this feels pretty good.
pretty great actually.

there was a time when things seemed so clear

so now i don't know what to do.
as pointed out by bedroom prince - i may be throwing away something amazing due to fear.

i'm terrified.
i'm afraid of committment.
i'm afraid of the word 'love'.
i'm afraid that i'll let him down.
i'm afraid he'll let me down.
i'm afraid i'll let me down.
i'm afraid that i'll become blinded by love and throw away my career without even knowing.
i'm afraid that i won't be the most beautiful to him.
i'm afraid that he won't be the most beautiful to me.
i'm afraid of the questions from my parents. questions from my friends.
i'm afraid my life will just end up being average despite my efforts to really live.
i'm afraid that love is an illusion.
i'm afraid that i'll do just fine without him.
i'm afraid that i'll wake up one day and wish that i'd had time time time on my own.
i'm afraid that this just might be perfect.
i'm afraid that he could possibly become my best friend.
i'm afraid that i'm staying away just because i'm afraid.
i'm afraid of staying because i don't want to be lonely.

when did relationships become so complicated?
why am i such a freak?
what the hell should i do????!!!

apparently i have more baggage than i was previously aware of.
and i had coffee with my friend who is obviously wanting to be my boyfriend and now i have to find a tactful way to explain for the millionth time that it just isn't going to happen!!

ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm so getting drunk with neenia tomorrow night.

the cleanse didn't work

so i wasnt ready to cleanse. there has been no cleansing this week. in fact the opposite.
and i'm minus a boyfriend.
i can't wrap my mind around it.
i can't quite get it.
i just followed an instinct.
my instincts are usually right.
so why do i feel ill.

but somehow it makes way too much sense.
for no reason at all.

time to open a bottle of wine.
perhaps take up smoking.
if i liked it.

what the hell am i doing.

detox time

so after a week of drinking in paris and monaco, followed by a week of drinking to adjust to coming home... come to think of it, there was a week of drinking prior to departure as well... hmmm... could explain why i feel like a bag o shit.
anyhoo - i bought an herbal cleanse - 7 day - from the health food store. now i can't drink for a week! (she says as she sips her glass of red wine... wine isn't alchohol! at least not to the europeans :)

Hypothetical question

so what do you do when you accidentally let someone fall for you? hypothetically speaking... say you strike up a friendship in which the other person becomes smitten and you are clear that you only want and can be friends? and say the other person seems obviously distressed by this as you leave them at the airport to run enthusiastically into the arms of your super cute bf? and say that person weakly says "call me" as you zip away - clearly not affected by parting? do you call? do you let it lie? do you attempt the friendship even though you know the other person will be hoping for more? what do you do?

hypothetically speaking.

blahhh

it's sunny in toronto, but i'm still heading into post-trip blazees. i spent 8 days being wined and dined, performing for royals and dignitaries, getting countless photo's taken, being told i am beautiful by men in uniform on a daily basis....
at least i enjoy my life here.... but where's my breakfast buffet? where are my glass bottles of evian and champagne? garcon!!

the one thing that made me look forward to coming home was the thought of seeing my bf at the airport. this at least kept me coasting on my air of euphoria for a little while longer. but now i just want to lay in bed all day and have sex and watch movies and eat icecream and pie and cuddle. however i have things to do. i have to work tonight. i have to work tomorrow. i have to work friday and saturday....
blaaahhh.

and it will quickly fade.
laying under the eiffel tower at 1am
swimming in the mediterranean
marching for the prince with the pipeband in front of the palace
eating amazing cheeses and pastries and chocolate mousses
drinking bottles of vin rouge
staring up at notre dame
taking part in a ceremony under the arc de triomph(sp?)

good bye paris and monaco.
perhaps we'll meet again.

i'm baaaaccckkk!!

i'm back.
weird.
i just had the most surreal 8 days of my life.
maybe it was all just a dream?

bye!

so i lied about 8 days. i'll be gone for 8 days... not in 8 days. i'm leaving tomorrow!! yikes! not packed yet! 10pm at night!
i'm a procrastinator.

sooo....
sidebar:
got a call from ex boyfriend at 2am last night... no message.
i almost didn't recognize the number on my phone.
interesting.
sort of freaked me out, b/c shortly after the dog started barking at something/someone... so i was like - ahhh... maybe he's on my deck!
i think i was just half asleep and paraniod....
but what if???

8 days

it's been too long since i've blogged. it's been too long since i had a day off. the last day i had off - i blogged... a ha! it all makes sense now!
well not really.
i'm off to paris, nice and monaco in 8 days.
to dance for the prince.
the prince of monaco.
really?
maybe it's all a scam.
maybe i will wake up in a bathtub in the south of france without my liver.

yikes.

i hope that's not the case.

comment

i'm under the influence of possibly not just marijuana. my man and i just ate a pan of homemade brownies.
with bananas.
inside the brownies.
i was trying to find all the pieces of banana.
unfortunately that means eating through the brownie to find the banana.
a sacrifice i am willing to make.

i ask him if he ever wanted to comment on my blog.
he said yes.
i said which blog.
he covered his head in a blanket.
like a hamster.
like he's shy.
i want to know his comments.

did you know the museum is no longer free on friday nights? how will i get culture now? culture behind glass windows.
i can find culture out in the wild.
but sometimes we feel smarter if we study the contained versions.

o apothacary, thy drugs are quick

i'm going to my highschool friends wedding in an hour. i'm nervous. it's like this mini highschool reunion. i'm wearing high heels and a dress.... and nailpolish.... wtf?
i'm also going solo...
this is feels so weird to me.
why does it feel weird?
maybe i'm just weird.
well. that's a given.
help!

if i could have only handed her a scoop of the ocean, a corner of the mountain
as she lay in the street staring at the rubber tire two feet from her face, car horn in constant drone.
someone had already called 911
someone was attending her side
what else was i to do.

i ____ you

how does one express those overwhelming emotions without saying "i love you." "i love you" has so much attached to it... so much responsibility.... what other words are there? "i like you" isn't strong enough.

i like mashed potatoes, and they aren't even in my top 10 favorite food items. i also like my landlord. but i wouldn't make him a birthday card.... or go down on him...

i love a lot about life. i love my friends, my true friends. but they are friends. how do i tell a friend who is also a lover that i love them? it's a different dynamic.

one is able to have more than one friend that they love - and these friends may come and go, fade in, fade out.... but lovers arent' usually able to come and go and come back again the way friends do.
you are supposed to choose one partner - and if something separates you, and you find another lover/partner - you can't keep the one you left behind. at least not in the same way.... and you may still 'love' them - but it's no longer possible in actions.
so what words am i supposed to use to say what it is i feel?
because i want to say something.... but i don't want to jump ahead of myself.... i don't want to say something when i don't know if i can sustain it with my actions.

so i wait.
and i feel bottled up sometimes.
and you ask me what i'm thinking.
and i say "nothing"

scratch scratch

night night,
sleep tight,
don't let the bedbugs bite.
and if they do,
take a shoe,
and beat them til they're black and blue.

unfortunately bed bugs are too small to beat with a shoe and do much damage.... and they keep coming back... and they're gross!!
and once you are sleeping tight - the bed bugs will definitely bite.

why do i have bedbugs? at what point will i find peace?!!

what are you thinking?

i'm thinking nothing. nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.....
why? what are you thinking?
nothing.
nothing.

none of this is true.

but what if i use the wrong words?

money stress

why am i always broke? i budget now! i pay my goddamn phone bill! i make visa payments! yet it's always more more more! i make myself available for more hours at work, i don't buy new clothes ever, i don't go to movies, i hardly ever rent movies.... i shop at no frills!
but i am in a play.
it's almost over.
i love the theatre.
i love performing.
why won't it pay the bills?!!

oh cat.

my cat humps my stuffed animals. it was once stuffed monkey specific. unfortunately he is branching out into other types.
he does seem more relaxed lately.
yet my stuffed animals share a dirty secret.

am i getting there?

yesterday at my old place of work rehearsing for a play that opens tonight.
the bartender, whom i hadn't seen since i stopped serving there said:
"i've been hearing your name floating around - you must be getting a lot of gigs lately?"

what?! okay.... sure....

apparently my name is floating around...
it's nice to know i exist.

will power

i am sitting upstairs in his house.... resisting the chocolate brownie and pie that sits downstairs on the counter. it's for everyone. the roommate brings these things home.
what is it about food? why do i love it so much? why do i think about it? shouldn't it just be for fueling our bodies? why is it nearly as alluring as sex? and with that in mind... what's the deal with sex? cravings cravings cravings
food
sex
drugs
alchohol
attention
influence
admiration

it starts with chocolate brownie and continues somewhere past fame, fortune and ultimate world influence....

hypothetically speaking...

if one were to go to a random social gathering, and discover that one had slept with 3/4 of the heterosexual men attending.... would that make one a slut?
even if there were only 4 heterosexual men in attendance?
i don't want an answer....
i mean... one doesn't.

people.... grrrr

i hate it when stressed out people decide to smear their stressed out-ness all over you. why can't they just breathe and meditate or something? why can't they just vent to a friend? why can't they blog? or have sex? or something!!! why do they have to send emails reeking with stinky stress so that their anxiety leaps out of the screen and all over your body - infiltrating your pores until you want to scream!!!!... aaarrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!
i feel like kicking someone.
i was having a really productive day too.
goddamn people.

so you think you can not watch 'so you think you can dance?'

i saw this show for the first time - clips of it - presented to me by neenia and bedroom prince.
it sort of turns me on.
i sort of want to make love to it.
i thought i was safe.

no one is safe!! stand back from your television... it will get you!
thank god i don't have cable.

it's been too long!

i feel a slight pang of guilt for abandoning my blog... i have excuses!! and sort of good ones!
here goes:
excuse #1 - i had a show i was writing, rehearsing for and performing in... it's now done
excuse #2 - i started a new job... yay! still not enough hours, but it's something!
excuse #3 - my sister was visiting me for 8 days - which was lots of fun - but again, taking away from blogging time
excuse #4 - i'm getting laid..... did i write that out loud?

hey... remember the time i wrote all about not wanting/ believing in a relationship right now b/c i was so fucked up over men/boys in general...
he he...
oh dear.
i'm smitten.... as a kitten? are kitten's really smitten? b/c my cat has never been smitten... even when he was a kitten - he's always been kind of a jerk actually...

but speaking of fucked up.... one of my exes who was living out east, then was living out west (so i only ran into him maybe once a year max - at which point we usually fell into old habits and had much unneccessary drama ensue) is now living a mere 2 hours from me.
wtf? but this time - i don't feel like it will have the same effect on me...
yet it is somewhat annoying.

speed of light

all of a sudden i find myself busy - morning, noon and night.
the opposite of this summer.
less anxiety
more to do
more getting done
busy busy busy.
it happened overnight....
it's as if someone pressed a fast forward button on my ass - and ZOOOOOM! here i go!!!!!!!!

following change of plan with my gut

so. the being friends thing became somewhat proposterous.
so now it's one day at a time.
but still holding out on the sex!
at least i'm thinking with my head and not my regina saskatchewan.

oh boys.

day 11

i am on day 11 of a 14 day total body fitness/nutrition program that has promised to "transform my body"
it's actually working.
i'm actually sticking to it! i didn't know i had this much will power.
i kind of really want some carbs and some chocolate.
three more days.
three more days.
my clothes are too big for me.
my boobs are shrinking at a rapid pace - thank god i had boobies to spare! i have friends who wanted them - if you can find them, they're yours! free of charge.

following my gut

so the boy i like and i have decided to be friends. great friends. i'm just not ready to be in a relationship... but if i am going to be in one, i want it to be more than just convenient.
so now's my time for me.
no excuses - no boys to get in my way.
and once i've discovered how to live my life sans unnecessary drama (which i am not used to), i think i may be ready for someone. maybe even my new friend.

my dream

i had a dream that an ostrich came to my back door. i fed him and then he came in and got a little to comfy in my kitchen. so then i tried to kick him out using the moves i saw (or dreamed i did) on the discovery channel's "what to do if you are in conflict with an ostrich" special... very self defense. that didn't work. then i was really nice to it and guided it outside. i felt bad after... and i missed the ostrich.... but i just wasn't willing to take on an ostrich for a pet. to much responsibility.

i think this is a direct reflection of how i feel about relationships right now.
thanks dream :)

fie you lack of internet!!

i will keep this brief as time is ticking.
1. i like a boy
2. women friends are never all that supportive of your weight loss/fitness goals.

wrapping my mind around monaco

so i've been asked to go to monaco - to dance - with a pipe band, and 3 other dancers. we will be performing for the prince. i said yes, of course.
i still don't really believe that i'm going.... this isn't for a few months - so maybe that's it.
maybe it's b/c i'm replacing a girl who has become pregnant... the whole thing is just way too dirty dancing...
will patrick swayze be there? gee, i sure hope so.

let's wait until we get to know eachother.
let's wait until we really know what we want.
he says.
what a concept.
i want to tear his clothes off.

good morning!

so i'm back to blogging after a long hiatus (sp?) - i was rehearsing, then away, then sick...blah blah excuse excuse....
i now feel pressure to make this blog extra fantastic - like it's some sort of cher farewell again tour....
but instead i will write a rushed blog with not enough information but too many words.

first thing. you may have noticed nosiren's link on my blog. read it - if only for her latest entry.

second thing. i just had a surreal week. i spent 10 days at a cottage with 7 other actors while doing a show. during this time i received 2 texts from my ex - which makes me suspect that he is probably still reading my blog. nothing has come of these texts.

third thing. after our 5th show - i was completely blown over to see a woman "friend"(i use quotations b/c it's a bit blurry) of mine emerge from the audience. i have not seen this woman in 2 years and neither of us knew that the other would be there. crazy.

fourth thing. i have started "spending time" (i use quotations b/c i like to) with one of the actors from the play. he has the exact same name as the chef. what the fo?

fifth thing. i can't say. i have a secret that i have been keeping (from most people) for about 4 months. i have to keep this secret to "protect"(i use quotations a: b/c i like them, and b: b/c it's not really my call to make) my friends. i watch this secret slowly gnaw away at them but one of them isn't aware of what the problem really is.

sixth thing. i'm back in the city and i feel like i'm starting over again and again and again. it's like i'm pushing a big rock up hill and i'm almost over the top - but it keeps rolling back - i'm working on gathering enough strength to give it a good ol heave ho right over and watch it start to roll down....

and that's all for now.
i've missed my blogger friends - but in a way, i think all this time with myself has helped me to figure a few things out.

later alligators

twilight zone

in four months - i will very likely (99%) be in monaco dancing for the prince - surrounded by men in kilts.
i can't quite get it in my head.
exciting opportunities are often so surreal - it's like the first time i got work dancing in japan. i didnt believe i was going, til i got there.
so bizarre.

i guess i'm not that over it.

i'm freaking out in my mind right now b/c i just found out that my ex is or was or did hang out with our couple friends - who were originally my friends - and still are.... the thing is - i was very okay with him maintaining a friendship with them - especially the guy - because why not?
but now it's like this confirmation that he still exists -
now i want to see him - i want to see how he is, what he looks like, what he smells like - if he's dating someone... ahhhh!! no! no - i don't want to know that. i think i would throw up.
now i know how he must have felt after finding out i slept w/someone after we broke up.

geez. i really thought i was over him.
i guess i just wasn't thinking about it.

3rd wheeling it

i spent my weekend in paradise - at a cottage - but unfortunately it was tainted, as i was in 3rd wheel hell.
it started as i sat in the backseat of the car as my couple friends sat in the front. she cooing and petting and baby talking to him the whole way there. (pukedy puke - take that shit elsewhere)
it was heightened as i realized that having a intelligent conversation with him would cause her to sulkingly go into the next room and later (i over heard) have her crying to him as he tried to console her.(wtf?)
then it was the after wedding party of a friend (that i don't know) among a bunch of 30 something couples that i also don't know. i felt like samantha in that episode of sex in the city where they go to that party - and she's talking to that guy, and his wife comes up -and is like "hi - i'm his wife" in this totally suspicious tone. then she gets really drunk and starts acting inappropriately - except i didn't do that - i probably should've, could have been fun. ... of course it doesnt help my case that i looked hot and am young and fabulous.
then it was the couple (that i also had just met) who i ended up sharing the cabin with the second night. same thing - stayed up talking to the guy - about perfectly platonic things - and the girlfriend headed to bed. then i had creepy dreams of him molesting me and i woke up the next day and saw him right away and was like...."hiii"....
the weekend was bookended with an over the top display of icky couple behavior on the ride home.
i'm suprised i made it out alive.
i do have to say though - after this weekend, i don't feel lonely or long to be in a couple anytime soon.
i think i will enjoy dating myself for a while.
and why not? even the sex is pretty great.

running away.... continued

i think running away can happen in your own city. you don't necessarily have to go somewhere. and going somewhere doesnt necessarily have to entail running away. i don't want to run away. i just want to expand. like a big balloon. but not in a physical fat way - i dont want to be fat. but who does. i want to expand my mind, my influence, my influences....

side note.
i love cheese. i do. it makes me happy. on crackers, pizzza, salad.... pasta...
good times.

blogging etiquite

is it rude to blog at a friends house? when invited over to socialize? b/c that's what i'm doing right now - and i think maybe i'm being an asshole.
ah well.
i can't abandon my fellow bloggers.
what if you make out with them to make up for it? probably won't work. he's gay.
but maybe i am too.
when i'm single i tend to dress more like a lesbian. i think it's a defense mechanism.
say what?

*poof* i'm gone....

i've been plotting my escape lately.
how will i do it? maybe i'll get that touring theatre job... maybe i'll join a swap program and go teach pilates and write and find out about theatre elsewhere..... maybe i'll go on a fringe tour - but then i'd have to wait til next summer.... maybe... maybe... i don't know.
why am i so antsy to run away?
is it the permanency of my new home? is it the memories of exes that follow me everywhere in this city? is it b/c i'm 26 and single, and i know now is the time to travel the world - i have nothing truly tying me here... is it b/c i'm unemployed and each effort to push myself into my new career becomes more and more exhausting?
is it because i'm lonely? can one run away from loneliness?

i woke up screaming - yes, actually just one scream/yelp - from a dream last night.

wtf?

i thought for a moment last night that someone (that i met in a bar) was stalking me. maybe he is..... i don't really mind - at least someone is paying attention.

holy shit! this is a depressing blog!
but this is where i can vent.
thanks blogger friends.

watch me kick some ass!

why does running while listening to "stronger" by christina agulara make me feel like a super hero?

no holds barred

i've made a conscious decision to not put myself in a box. i will wander this earth freely! i realized recently (when the possibility of leaving toronto for 8 months came up) that i've tied myself to my "goals" in a restrictive way - not that i'll abandon goal setting... it's just that i need to be more creative and free myself from my own non conventional conventions. i need to think outside the box. i need to stand on the box, under the box.... with a fox... and courtney cox.... wearing sox....
see! who knows - i could be the next dr. seus!! no?...
ok.
well - something else then.

correction

it's haagen dazs. now i'm all spelling self conscious b/c of skinny rabbit's grammar post a while back.
damn you! i am a victim of the "creative spelling" movement in my elementary school.
i was f'd over at an early age.

life feels like it's taking extra energy lately.
i want to get away. like lenny kravitz... yeah yeah yeah.

hair grows back

so i've stopped panicking for a moment to breathe, sit back, and take a look at life. financial shit i am still in, yes, but i already have big f-ing student loans - what's another few thousand dollars? i really don't know that i want my child, born from another woman's uterus, raised by some strangers - wandering around out there. who am i kidding. i don't even like to share my hagen daaz ice cream, let alone my potential offspring. those eggs are mine dammit. MINE! i'd probably go crazy and start thinking that every child that resembles me was mine, and i'd become that weirdo in the white van asking them if they wanted candy - then whisking them away.
or not.
but seriously, i think i have some other options.
and i had a really good audition... maybe i'll get a job?
i'll be okay. and my hair actually looks pretty good now and then.

donations?

i'm considering... note - "considering"... being an egg donor. i'm in serious financial shiaat. is this a bad idea? i met a girl who was actually doing it - and she said, no weird side effects, except that she was super horny all the time.... great. just what i need.
but seriously... could i do it?

i'm so cool

i rode past his work today and felt sick to my stomach. why do i always feel the need to act cool? like "whatever, i don't care about you - even when you are a big stupid person - it's so not even important to my ever fantastic life".
but i really want to bring my bike to a screaching halt - walk into his workplace and be like
"fuck you for not calling me! fuck you for being all obsessed with me for all of a month and then changing your goddamn mind! fuck you for making me like you and think about you all the time and tell my friends about all your quirks and weirdnesses!! you started this! what's your problem asshole?!"... and then i'd upturn a couple tables or something... i haven't worked out all the details....
but i just ride on by.
because i am very very cool.
with a less than satisfactory haircut.

pride weekend

it's pride weekend and i am now living very close to the festivities. i'm kind of excited! i can go to the parade, party - and just walk home. good times.
with all my disappointments with men, i was thinking - maybe i'll pick up a lesbian this weekend. but then i thought - how do i do that? and what would they want with me when they have a city full of dykes to choose from.
maybe i'll forget this idea.
besides, i think oral sex might be a problem for me.

sex vs love

a quote from douglas coupland:
"somewhere, years ago, so many of us broke the link between love and sex. Once broken, it can never be fixed again."
is this true? i think i made that separation once i decided to 'liberate' myself and start acting more like a man. having sex like it was my right - like it was a hobby. like this is supposed to be a good thing, an empowering thing. now i realize that men seem to be more fucked up than women. i think it could be fixed though.
the thing is, i don't want to give up good ole recreational sex - but the next time i'm really really into someone - i think i might want it to be something more.

au revoir cheffy

i've decided to forget the chef. he didnt show to my party on friday, after he already forgot my b-day -and he hasn't called since. i also haven't called - and i don't plan on it. i'm too good for this shit.
he was clearly a rebound, and 3 months is plenty of time to be rebounding.

they call it being on the rebound.... rebounding sounds like it would be fun. wheeeee!!!! no?
i guess it sort of is... it's after the rebound part that sucks. do they have a name for that? how about 'lying on the sidewalk all squashed b/c all the air has wafted out of the hole in your bouncy ball after it got punctured by a nail?' or 'flying off the trampoline into a tree and getting impaled by sharp branches?'
but that just sounds a little negative doesn't it?

hair

i got my hair cut yesterday. it's not exactly what i wanted, but close enough. it's sort of a 90's style bob... or maybe it's just my new hair cut.
my hairdresser got personal with me for the first time in 3 years. he's getting divorced, moving into a crappy appartment, his wife of 10 years was cheating on him for 5. all of a sudden he and i are friends? i've never had this type of talky talk relationship with my hairdresser. it's kind of nice.
i feel like i should make him a lasagna...
would that be wierd? he just seemed so upset.
maybe that's why the haircut was not as good...

to all my lovely blogger friends

i will be back - soon! i am a slave to brokeness and now i am subjected to the ... library!!! ahhhhh!!! i have 2 minutes and 11, 10 9..... seconds left.
but i'm getting my hair cut today! oh yeah! go visa go....

he forgot my birthday.
but my ex didn't.
how is this progress?
i think i'll just give my self a big embrace and sing "all by myself" celine dion styles - but with a funky techno beat a la cher - and change the lyrics to "i want to be all by myself"
men are too high maintenance.
(note: this is a statement i will want to take back at a later date)

all my friends are getting married

this is bizarre but expected. i am now 26 years old. i'm going to a wedding this saturday (after my fabulous party i'll be having on friday night - come to my party!). i went to a wedding about 3 weeks ago. i just got a call from a friend who just got engaged. i have 2 more friends getting married this fall. my grade 12 grad date + a bit more than a friend is expecting his first child (well, his wife is).
i'm so not even there yet.
will i ever jump on this train? i'm not opposed to it... it just seems a bit out of place in my life right now. am i heading into sex and the city territory? i don't know. if i am i hope i get the wardrobe to match asap!
30 is getting closer, and i keep wandering farther from the path of committment... although, i feel a bit closer to 'happily ever after.' i'm not anti-committment, it's just not for me at this moment. i know it is quite possible that i will get to that place again, and it is also quite possible that i will go back and forth again - and maybe again and again.
is this a bad thing? meh.

i miss my blog!

i've moved and now am slave to internet cafe life - it sucks - by the time i'm done checking my email and doing stuff i have to do - i have to go! and there is so much to blog about! i saw my ex, i actually saw both my exes last week - weird - my parents came to visit - i have all sorts of fun new things to say about my new home!! and i have chicken pox or hives or something - gross!!
ahhh... blog withdrawl!
now i have to go! times up!

boys are so weird

one day he says he's not up for a serious relationship and he values his space. i said i thought that sounded just fine to me. four days later (after not talking or seeing eachother) he offers for me to stay with him if i can't find an apartment and "we"'s me at least three times.
don't tell me that girls are weird.

i'm sthuper, thanks for asthking

i found an apartment! finally! and i'm moving tomorrow!! yeeehaaa!!! i feel like i've been in stall mode for a month, and now someone has just released the emergence break....
here i goooooooooo!!!!!
my own grown up apartment! with my great friend and her dog, and my cat! and we're going to paint! and plant flowers in the flower boxes on the back porch!
now i don't have any more excuses for being a scatterbrain who gets nothing done... that's cool... i can handle it.
what a f%#*ing relief

spelling corrections

apartment.... not appartment
and then. not than.
now i can sleep.

really?

"i think this is it" she said, eyes sparkling. "I just am paranoid sometimes that he might hurt me - so i pull away"
little does she know -

blaaaahhhh!!

i feel fat. i feel ugly... i need to get laid!
ahhh.... breathe... it will all be fine.
i may be homeless in approximately four days. appartment hunting til the last minute is uber stressful.... it will make one eat bad food and drink too much.
ahh.
at least i have the city.

the balls of honesty

turns out sometimes it pays to just say what's on your mind. my good friend, and soon to be roommie said to me today. "artsmonkey, you are a totally different person when you are talking to him - you are like this submissive little girl with a crush - i wouldn't expect that from you"
and i said "you're right!"
and i realized. it is never worth compromising who i am for someone else. no matter how much i like them. because i was starting to not like myself. it is much better to be myself and on my own - than someone i dont even recognize and be in a pseudo relationship.
so i was honest. i said to him - "this isn't me - i don't wait by the phone - i don't put up with this kind of bullshit"
and we talked.
and it didn't end or begin....
and we agreed to be honest.
and we started to set some boundaries.
yet i still get to keep my freedom.. my space...
will this actually work?
a non relationship relationship? where we are supposedly open about everything - yet still live our lives as though single?
isn't that just like having a friend?... avec benefits?
let's see what happens.....

he said "thank you for your balls"
and i said "thank you for your balls"
oh the double entendre... is that how you spell entendre?

we get what we deserve...

last night i had plans. i showered, plucked my eyebrows, put on make up... i looked great - felt pretty good too. and i waited for the call. the promised "i'll call you when i'm done" call. the call came about an hour after expected... although i should be used to this by now. i am the loser who fucking waits by the goddamn phone.... and i have a cell phone... what the hell is that all about? so the call finally came - and the plans were cancelled. "can we meet tomorrow night instead?" "NO!" this is not the first time this has happened, or the second. and yet i put up with it.
why do i put up with it?
because somewhere inside of me, i feel like i deserve to be treated like crap. i make excuses.
why?
because i feel like i have what's coming to me. i was the bad guy in my last relationship. i was the one who fucked up. i was the one who apparently moved on. so now i feel like if i just waltzed into some great new relationship, that there would be an injustice of some sort.
so how long does one punish themselves before they get to have something great? maybe it's up to us? is that fair?

dull lights, small village

sitting in goderich. can't get a cab to the bar. and when we do get to the one bar... the last call will likely be midnight. freedom of leaving town. but nothin to do - and no way to get there... hmmm... the cottage style party scene i was promised is shaping up to be a wee bit disappointing.
on the bright side... i can inhale and not get a lung full of smoggy crap.
maybe i'll go for a cigarette.

somewhere that's green.... or lets me have pets.

so it looks like the long and tedious apartment hunt may be coming to an end. i actually saw not one, but two! apartments today that i could actually live with - with my wonderful soon to be roommate - and my wonderful, soon to be dog in law - and of course my cat. and both of the places actually didn't say no to pets!! yeeha!
i dont get the no pets thing. i saw a few places that were all nazi about no dogs - but it appeared as though their current tennants were already scratching the walls and peeing in the corners - so what's the difference? or there was one guy who was really nice about the pet thing - he was actually really nice about everything, except sort of in an "i-belong-to-a-cult" nice... like the kind of nice where i expected him to start talking about how jesus lives in a spaceship and is coming to get us all - but only if we tie ourselves to banana's and shoot ourselves in the head....
anyhoo, he told me he had to check with "the girls who live upstairs" ... he also had to check with the "girls who live upstairs" for any tennant that might be moving in, because "the girls who live upstairs" have to like whomever would be living on the ground floor. i was wondering how "the girls who live upstairs" are paying mr. culto landlord. just a thought.
also, his creepy looking grandma was there with him showing the place... she sort of skulked around in the rooms like an ancient painting in hogwarts.... i wonder if she comes with the apartment? hopefully my living situation won't come to that.
i just can't wait til it's all over. i have seen the silver lining, and i'm clinging to it.
all i want is a kick ass two bedroom apartment somewhere...... oh wouldn't it be loverly?

i havent been here for the longest time

i've been neglecting my blog... for a couple of reasons.
1. i've been totally bummed out and i thought i might spare the world of my self indulgent whining
2. my ex recently came across my blog - and one can imagine how not good of a situation this was. i've since felt guilty for being myself, and felt the need to censor ... which is retarded b/c i'd finally come to a place of freedom where i felt i didnt have to censor myself....
which leads me to the reason i am returning to my blog
1. i will not censor myself!

that being said... i'd like to make a comment on happiness.
i think that people feel pressured to be happy all the time so that they do not burden others with their moodiness.... especially actors. actors are supposed to be entertaining. when we are not entertaining - we feel that people might not want to be around us. we place our self worth on how entertaining we can be. this is exhausting. when we are in the mood to be entertaining - it is great, it's fun, it's exciting.... but sometimes we just need to be boring. and not feel bad about being boring - because that just makes us depressed about being boring....
am i generalizing?
perhaps.
let's just change all the "we's" to "me".

I got caught in the rain today - and it made me happy.

sometimes - probably most of the time - ignorance is bliss. what is it about those of us who fight against the 'brave new world?'.
what satisfaction do we get?

a reflection on letters

as a brief response to some of the responses i got to the letter article:
I think it takes a lot of guts to write a vulnerable letter - it's evidence of something you felt that will always be out there - and i have respect for that. the article was more a question of self and the patterns that are created in someones life. that's all....

addicted to love

why do i always get attached? i try and try to be a hard ass who's just out to have a good time - but i just end up falling for people.... i think it's because if someone doesn't even hold that potential for me i don't waste my time. bah. a friend of mine once wrote "... maybe you know that i have a heart overflowing with love for this whole perfect world and if i poured its contents into yours i might be able to keep it from bursting..." - i think i fell a little bit in love with him too after reading that. it gave me a new height of love to aspire to - it made me realize that there was so much more to feeling something for someone or everyone or everything that i hadn't considered before.... or maybe, like my other friend has said about himself, -I could just be emotionally slutty.

aww...

my cat is so cute i can't even stand it.
annoying, a bit of an asshole... but very f ing cute.

love letters

it seems that whenever one of my relationships end, a heart felt letter is soon to follow. I woke up this morning to find a small wrapped gift (a cd) and a letter on my doorstep from my most recent ex. it's been over a month since we split. this is not the first time i've received a letter like this - granted, i didn't expect it from this boyfriend - but the situation itself is becoming almost traditional. the gift of a cd or cassette is also not new to me. it's the "i'll never forget you" letter, the "i miss you letter", the "you were a wonderful friend and lover" letter. granted, it is flattering. it feels good to be missed. it makes me lighten up on the bitter-about-my-ex thoughts. to be honest though, this pattern is starting to weird me out. does this happen to everyone? is this normal? i've discussed this with friends before, and i'm usually the only one who experiences this on a regular basis. the relationships fail, but i get to keep these emotional souvenirs. the thing that's even weirder, is the letters are becoming more and more the same. the last two exes letters both referred knowing that they are not the first to write something like this for me. part of me wonders if it's now going to become a competition - when one boyfriend finds out that i recieved something from another boyfriend - they either want to top it, or at least get honorable mention in the ex boyfriend hall of fame. that's another thing - i'm only 25 and i already have quite the collection. is this my destiny? to be the letter girl? to be the girl that got away? should i embrace this role? forget about anything long term and bask in the muse-like influence i have on these men? I used to think it was because they were all writers or artists or musicians of some sort - but that's not the case anymore. now the regular guys are joining in the romantic parade. how long can this go on for? I have a theory that these guys need the one that got away before they settle down. they need to feel like they experienced a movie like romance and now they can grow up and get on with it. as of right now, i'm okay to fill that part - but i think one day i'm going to wish that i could just meet someone who sees me as something other than the one that's going to get away. then again i guess that time will come when i'm really ready to stick around.

shades of gray....

will we all eventually be punished for our sins and rewarded for our good deeds? sometimes i think it's us who punish and reward ourselves. what happens when you decide to neglect your conscience - who's keeping score? maybe it will all add up in the end. perhaps we may be overly rewarded at some stages of life, and punished at others with no real rhyme or reason. I guess time will tell.

do dee doo.....

so i quit my job officially... wheee!! i have opportunities coming at me that i actually want to go for... yay! i've been sick for the past 3 days... booo! i am now allowing myself to sit around and get better... what? i don't rest! what the hell am i going to do all day... just sit and... rest?! ew! ack! i'll go craaaazzzzy!!!! but it is necessary to regain health. must be healthy so i can be productive next week..... BORING! maybe i'll make cookies.... yesss....

love

is love just maybe a construct of our imagination. a word we tack on to some feelings to make ourselves feel like we exist?
right now i'll settle for lust, passion and infatuation. the word love has let me down. maybe i'll try again later.

is it okay to be happy?

i recently had a phone conversation with my dad. i only call home about once every two to three weeks, and the last time i spoke to my parents, it was because they had heard i recently broke up with my boyfriend. the guy i was supposed to marry.... the guy i wanted to move in with.... the guy my dad liked... the guy who i can't remember why i wanted all those things with.
i called to tell my dad how great life was going for me - to tell him about all the new opportunities i'd been presented with... i had so much news, i was so excited, i felt like my break up was just waiting to happen and now i can spread my wings and FLY!!!!!
all this may have been a bit more than he could take. he kept saying things like "well, are you happy?".... and "these times can be difficult".... etc. etc. i think he thought i was putting on a face. i think he thought that underneath all this i'm really completely devestated that my plan of house and family was squashed... he even alluded to the fact that he didn't think it was really the end of this relationship.
i avoided mentioning that i was having mindblowing sex with a sexy chef. some things don't fit into parent/child conversation material.
i'm starting to think it's the parents that take break ups the worst.... all they want is a "happily married" child and some rugrat grandkids.
dad... that's not going to make me happy. at least not right now.
or maybe i am just crazy and delusional - but if so, i enjoy it very much:)

god doesn't want me to be a waitress....

so once again i find myself sans job... well - this time it may just be that i'm not getting any shifts. see, i have a job - but apparently am not on the schedule this week and was encouraged to call next week to check my schedule. how long will they keep me employed there but neglect to give me shifts? i have a job, but i don't actually work there... at least i can tell mom and dad that i have a job....
this should bother me seeing as it has taken me 2 months to obtain any crappy job - unless you count the time i was hired and fired within three days. i might take that personally, but seeing as they failed to train me, and had me open the restaurant on my second shift, i figure i'm not the one to blame. in both of these jobs, the management has been disorganized and i've been treated like i have half a brain cell... i love restaurant work.... the people are such diamonds in the rough....
i think this is a sign. i know in my gut that this is not what i should be doing, but i keep doing it for some cash.... i'm destined to make art and do the things that actually contribute to my life and others. one annoying factor with my fate is that i'm broke. i suppose that's a small price to pay to stay true to my path.... but it is really annoying.

crazy and reckless

after a recent break up... actually even before a recent break up - i've been doing whatever the hell i want, when i want. it kind of feels great, but it's also a bit weird. i'm moving forward at a break neck speed. i'm doing things i would have scolded myself for earlier in my life. i feel no guilt or remorse for any crazy behavior. granted, it's not like i'm out on a killing spree - but still.... how long will i get away with this? skipping classes i've signed up for... my whatever attitude at work... saying what i want when i feel like it.... staying up till all hours of the morning....having sex with whomever i want whenever i want - (not that this is all that many people )-
i feel alive. i feel creative. i think that maybe my conscience has flown out the window and i'm on my way to becoming an axe murderer... although i doubt it.
what's going on?
one theory is that perhaps i was trying to force myself to give so much in my recent relationship, and all my efforts to sacrifice something for the person i loved were shot down - gifts returned unopened.
now i'm wondering why i wasted so much time and energy, when it seems that people (people meaning my ex... ha.) don't really want others to sacrifice and give their engeries to them. maybe some people are threatened by these gifts, thinking that they will owe something in return that they aren't willing to give. it's like when a casual aquaintance buys you a christmas or birthday gift... it's almost an intrusion of boundaries.
the irony of all this is i used to be the one pushing the gifts away - i thought if i changed my tune everything would fall into place. i was wrong.
this isn't such a bad thing though.... if my energy was not rejected, i wouldnt be having such a crazy ride...
maybe this is my destiny... maybe i'm just meant to keep on moving.
who knows.
i'm rambling.

sex? what's that?

so i thought i had this amazing sex life.... i did have a pretty great sex life... i thought i was having better sex than the majority of the people out there... until a couple days ago. now i'm having better sex than everybody.
i had no idea.
i've learned something new.
advice. don't judge a book by it's cover.

my fat cat

i put my cat on a diet about a month ago. he's still fat. why is he still fat? the vet doesnt understand why i can't reduce my pets weight.... i think he's eating out. i think he's getting friendly with the neighbors and eating their cat food. it's a mystery.... maybe he just needs to go for a jog 3 or 4 times a week. how do you motivate a cat to get in shape.... teach him little kitty crunches?
whenever he walks in the door he loudly demands food. i think he's addicted to food. i think he has a dependancy problem. he'll meow for food right after he's finished eating. maybe he really wants something else. maybe he needs a girlfriend. or maybe a boyfriend. i think maybe he's gay. maybe if he came out of the closet he would feel a sense of relief and would shed those extra pounds.
i have no answers.

i thought i might become celebate. but then i had sex. oh well.

desperate for a call

i've been single for not even two weeks.... i have a date - if he calls me. i'm not even that into him, but why am i so obsessed with the phone call? where's the call? why hasnt he called? why do i even care? maybe i just need to get.... attention.
those things we take for granted when in a relationship....
out of the relationship there is freedom, exhilaration, independence.... anxiety - obsessiveness....
or maybe i just need to sleep.
if someone could just fall in love with me once or twice a week....