all new

so i've left my blog for a while. been doing other writing i guess. lots has changed with me.
such as...

i'm giving up my apartment.
i'm 'lending' my cat to a friend for a while.
i'm leaving the country for 6 and a half months.
i'm leaving my acting career for a while.... and i suppose my agency for a while.
leaving my job.
going to travel alone through mexico and central america.
going to volunteer in honduras for 5 months.
going to create an arts program for kids in a country where i don't really speak their language.
all by the seat of my pants.

don't know what i'm going to do when i get back.
not really sure what i'm going to do while i'm gone.
not sure how i'm going to be ok financially.
not sure how safe i'll be. or how healthy.

but a lightbulb went on a couple of weeks ago and a voice said i had to go do this.
so i am.
and i'm totally freaked out.

in a shell

i'm floating outside of my body and avoiding.
avoiding responsibility.
but that's not it.
avoiding possibility.
responsibility is easy these days.

i understand hermits.
to a certain extent.

i'm a bit of a liar.
i'm a bit of a failure.
a bit of a success.
i know how to play free falling on the guitar.

i'm getting spring fever and the older men can't cure me. not even the cute ones who sleep on the couch.

i'm trying not to be such a pussy.
i suppose i shouldn't use that derogatory term.
after all, i did just spend seven dollars and fifty cents on a feminist magazine.

i'm left behind.
i've jumped ahead
i'm stalling.
fear of failure.
fear of success.
fear of change.
fear of getting older and all of it just being the same.

and the wrinkles on my face are becoming consistently noticeable.... although when i'm 60 i'll look back and say.
i was so young then.
i was so young.

random boy updates in point form

a list of things in my life that should have very little bearing, but for some reason stick to the forefront of my brain....
1. my ex ex ex boyfriend (the one who randomly messaged me on facebook about a month ago) is engaged. to be expected. seems reasonable.
2. hairclip boy a.k.a. under-the-covers guy showed up to my show last night right near the end, stayed to have a drink with me, then very abruptly left as soon as he finished his beer... not sure what that was all about.
3. random dude that i don't know, but knows the man i climb with, showed up to my show last night and now i may have another climbing partner... i'm a little weirded out as he joined both of my groups on facebook - one which really has no relevance anymore. stalker? possibly.
4. my ex's best friend contacted me and wants to 'socialize'. offered to buy drinks. hmmm.
5. this is more of a summary than a point - but i seem to be consistently gaining male 'friends' with fairly obvious alternative motives with whom i have no desire to have any sort of non-friend relationship with. more so than usual. like lots. i wonder if the universe is shoving these men in my face to say "you've used up all the ones with potential, and this is all that's left! too bad for you!"

it annoys me that i still focus on the opposite sex/ relationship drama... i've been writing about this shit since grade six.
i think it's time to put it to good use.
i think maybe it's time to write a play about it. if only to feel like it all has some sort of purpose.

tact

when someone says they'd like to kiss you. ... and you don't want to kiss them.... what's the most tactful way to refuse?
so far i tend to just go with "um... i think i'll have to say no..."

i think i'm lacking in the appropriate response category....

all good things

this blogging circle is starting to get pretty thin. the enthusiasm at which we all used to write has died down. it used to be a huge forum for discussion and sharing - we all started it apart, and it brought us together.
lately the gaps of time get larger between bursts of blogging. our comaradarie has begun to wane.... which when you think of it, makes sense - seeing as it really was about individuals in the beginning... we just happened to form a like-minded group.
i've noticed in general lately that things are shifting. with everything.
it seems like time is standing still, and nothing is progressing, nothing is changing.
i feel stuck.
but when i look at the evidence, everything is changing. everything is moving.
including circles of friends.
it's that time again where pieces start to break off, and each part becomes individual again.... looking for a new circle to latch onto.
it's not a bad thing.
it's just the nature of evolution. the nature of change.

patience

i need to learn how to be patient.
exciting and new things can't possibly happen every second of the day.

ask and you shall receive

i had forgotten about the power of prayer.
and i'm not talking religion. i'm not talking church. i'm not talking anything but simply opening up and asking.... asking someone, god, whomever, the universe, myself... whatever you want to call it.
asking for help.
asking for a clear path.
call it meditation. call it whatever you want. i call it prayer.
it's something i used to do when i was a kid nearly every night.
somewhere i stopped.
probably in my rejection of church and my former beliefs.

the other day i sat down, upset, lost, bored - feeling stuck. and i asked and questioned and talked. i asked for openings, for chances, for intuition. i felt a sense of relief.
the next day i got a call that i had 2 auditions.
a couple days later, feeling all jumbled and upset again i sat and did the same thing. talk, asked, questioned. i was feeling stressed about a creative project with a friend/colleague. i was feeling helpless about the outcome of an audition.
the next day the exact worry i had with that colleague was resolved by her approaching me on the subject i didn't know how to bring up. on the same day i got a call back for an audition.

there's something to be said about all this.
i don't know what it is... maybe just taking actual time to stop, think, question and be true to yourself. synchronicity perhaps.

i think i need to make a habit of this.

whine whine whine

so i'm guessing the tub of haagen daaz isn't included in my no-carb diet plan.... oops.
i cracked - what can i say?

i have stuff i need to get done. stuff. writing stuff. promo stuff.
i'm lazy.
thinking of ways to escape.

dishes need to be done...
stuff.
boo to stuff!

i want to sit and eat and watch t.v.
if only i had cable.

i'm waiting for a thunderbolt of excitement to come crashing down from the sky.
boom!!
wait for it.... wait for it.... wait for it....

nope.
nothing.
totally boring.

postcard continues

so. just got a message on facebook from boy (remember boy) who i was dating over the holidays.
"your postcard just arrived in the mail"
nice.
very nice.
i love how even my minor relationships linger...

lost interest

so i got rid of my online profile about a week ago.
the novelty has worn off.
besides, i can meet plenty of uninteresting or unattractive or old or out of shape or gay closeted men that i have no desire to sleep with the good old fashioned way.

damn valentine

i felt fine all day.
i was in a good mood.
i knew what day it was.
i did my show.
then he had to say "well, it's valentine's day, at least give me a hug"
and he got on the subway, and i walked home alone past window displays of hearts.

playing it safe

why does it feel like nothing is happening when i'm busier than i've been in months? i'm antsier than ever, i feel like things are on pause... or worse, rewind. yet i'm in a show, producing a monthly show that will start in less than a week and co-writing a screenplay.
it just feels predictable. it feels like i've done this before... well in a way, i have.
i want drastic change.
i want motivation.
i want inspiration.
i feel like i'm not pushing myself to my potential.
i'm letting myself get fat.
i need to turn things up a notch. the online dating entertained me for a bit. the tongue piercing was a brief distraction. the drunken sex put a pause in my drought. the play is placating my actor. the cabaret is filling my mental resume. the climbing gym is keeping me in moderate shape.
but these are all bandaids.
i think some serious risk taking is in order. i think i need to push my boundaries. i think i need to figure out what it is i'm doing, and jump.
so what'll it be?

a little bit of what-the-f

a couple of things.
1: i'm crazy
2: why is life on repeat?

addressing the crazy bit - the other eve i was bored/over caffinated/antsy and re-pierced my own tongue. i have a show this week. fantastic idea.
while i was piercing my own tongue i was contemplating meeting this rude online hockey guy that eve... luckily the shock of the pierced tongue caused me to call a friend and make him talk me out of the blind date... i luckily avoided crashing that crazy train.
suprisingly the tongue feels fine, probably b/c i had it pierced for 4 years.... it was closed over for 4 years since... but hey - it seems to be doing alright.
i think i'm going through some sort of mental issues....

second thing - life on repeat.
three of my exes have now gotten in touch with me via facebook. must be the valentines thing. the most recent (under the covers guy) sent me a message and is apparently now not moving to vancouver for another year and a half, is going to go to law school, and is moving into a smaller place so he can save as much money as possible.
what?
why is it that after a break up they always become motivated and ballsy? when we were dating i suggested the whole moving into a cheaper place b/c he was talking about wanting to save.... and he, of course, argued with me - saying that it wouldn't make all that much of a difference.
i think i have a "what are you doing with your life" affect on people. i don't know if it's a good thing. and it only ever comes to fruition after i've broken up with them. nice.
mr. under-the-covers is taking a big, uncomfortable, life risk. fantastic. good for him. amazing.

so now i have this lovely repor with half of my exes... good for me. ask me if i'm getting anything current? no. of course not. i do, however, have a 46 yr old man (whom i'm not attracted to) who is working on me. "want to go climbing artsmonkey?" "want to go snowboarding?"
yes! i do! but i don't want you to think that i would actually sleep with you!
bah.
it's always conditional.

one down...

so date #1 was fun. nice guy. got along. obvious to me that he's gay... not so obvious to him...
how does one deal with this situation?
he liked me. he did the hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. he said he'd call..... um... ok?

date #2 was supposed to happen tomorrow afternoon. he cancelled. "car's in the shop still".... he lives in markham.
true?
possible.
do i care?
not a lot.

the problem of going on dates, is it reminds me that i'm not having sex....
dammit.

ps. check out the nkotb link on nosiren's blog... unless the rest of you are too young to appreciate... it's possible... ahhh... but the memories...

once more into the....

so i'm back to online dating.

i just don't like to be bored.
i constanly want to entertain myself. and if that means freaking myself out by making blind dates, then so be it.

i was discussing this with a client and a co-worker yesterday. i was explaining how this is sort of a fun hobby, and i'm not quick to respond to messages or stick with a conversation on line, b/c in the end - i don't really care about meeting anyone new. i've had a couple persistant guys who don't get the hint when i don't return a call....

then they(client and coworker) made this point: the people on line are mostly at the end of their options. they are looking for love. they are wanting each possible meeting to potentially be the one. they're serious.

is this true? because, if so, maybe i shouldn't be participating in this sport. maybe i should just drop it and leave these people alone.

the thing is, if i was looking for love - i wouldn't be doing it on line. dating and sex is one thing, love and relationships are another. i don't want to test fate when it comes to something more serious - i think that's something that should come along more organically than by an on line dating service.

but that's my opinion.

i think i have a date tonight and a different date tomorrow. i hope they aren't crazy.... or if they are, just crazy enough to give me something good to blog about.

fleeting jealousy

my one night stand posted 2 photos of him and i on facebook. he's hot. one pic isn't bad of me either.
then i noticed he posted pics of him and a hotter girl. more pics.
she stayed longer and had the fling i could've had.
she stayed longer and got the dehydrated surfer body that i was getting near the end... and if i'd stayed....

but then i remember that he was just hot.
i'm the one who left.

i'll go back next year, stay a month, surf a month, tan a month and live whatever experience i live.

well, at least i have a better rack than the blondie...
i'm so shallow.
sometimes.

where are the hot boys in toronto?

i think that hotter weather makes hotter people. i was way hotter in mexico. after i'd been there for a bit. less clothing. more sex appeal.

hmmm.... i will one day be able to travel for long amounts of time without financial consequence...
one day soon....

bah. the pics are bittersweet. i was waiting for it. i got it. and then i got the reality check.
c'est la vie.

solution??

so after a day in bed sick, i'm now anstier (is that a word?), fatter and feeling like a slug. i'm awake at 1130pm, and will probably be awake far too long considering that i have to get up at 630am. i want to move out of my apartment, i want to be more productive, i want to save money and pay off my bills, i want to be healthy, i want to be skinny.

what do do.

re arrange my room.

it's the only logical conclusion i have come to. the only thing that will provide immediate relief. the only thing that will get the computer away from my head, get me off facebook, and force me to clean.

so i moved a couple things around tonight.... tomorrow, after work, when i'm supposed to be laying in bed getting better - i will be taking everything off of my bookshelf, throwing stuff out i don't need, washing my floors, and switching the furniture around in the only configuration that i have not yet used in this shoebox i call home.

i hope it works.

here's hoping.
i figure it'll give me another few months of sanity before i have to move to a bigger place.

breathe in.... breathe out.... (cough cough... ahh... the second hand smoke wafting through my vents is pure bliss...)

off the top of my head

things on my mind.

i'm as antsy as hell.
i don't want to work today.
i'm feeling sick. i still have an ear infection, but i don't want to waste my free time going to a walk in.

i cancelled my voice lesson last minute, which is an ass thing to do, but i'm feeling half assed - and have no money, and don't want to spend the money i don't have on a lesson that wont be all that productive.

my ex, ex, ex boyfriend messaged me on facebook - just "hey, what's going on?".... he's probably about to get engaged or break up. these are the events that provoke a message to artsmonkey from an ex.

i set up an online profile again for dating... not b/c i want to date right now, but b/c i figure in a week or so i'll be in serious need/want of sex and need to cover my bases.

i don't want to go to work tonight, even though it's only 4 hrs. i'd like to not work mondays. i never want to go to work on mondays. and i always teach all classes which means there are no chances that i'll have a cancellation and get a free hr to myself.

i had weird dreams last night about swimming pools and being the other woman and dancing and being unappreciated. but in the dream i was hot and skinny...

my neighbor always plays weird indian music at this time of day. probably b/c he's from india. i'm not really a fan of the music. maybe just his specific taste.

i'm in an 'I DON'T WANNA!!!' mood. with everything. what i wanna is ice cream. what i wanna is movies. what i wanna is escapism and laziness and just fun. a slumber party would fit my mood about now. a three day slumber party.

bah. i wish i had the luxury to just hibernate through these moods. but instead i must work to pay rent, visa, bills etc. sometimes life is just too much effort.

boys stink

so, it once again seems to me that all boys are asswipes in some way, shape or form.
ok... maybe i'm being harsh... well, i am being harsh. now that i've acknowledged that...

boys are lame.
i met with boy for coffee to do the giving-back-of-stuff ritual. it was all very civilized. all very 'nice'.
among the niceties of the meeting, he very casually let me know that he was planning on moving to vancouver before i even broke things off. he was 'meaning to talk to me, but no time seemed to be appropriate.'
um. ok. don't you think this is something one brings up when one starts dating someone? like how i brought up that i was going to mexico? like how i brought up that i didn't want to jump into a relationship?
i just find the whole thing rather sleazy. faining real interest to get laid. getting all complimentary and emotional in hopes of some ego stroking. poo poo to that!
i probably would have liked him more if he had told me he was going away in the first place.

but here's the thing. (what's the thing, artsmonkey?... this is the thing...) the thing is - i don't think he was planning on moving to vancouver. he talked about it as if it was something he'd mulled over. he wasn't sold. he didn't want to go there and have to take a pay cut. i was encouraging him to go....
i don't think he had made up his mind.
i think i pushed him over the edge.
and i'm glad. b/c that means our relationship served a purpose.

but don't tell me that this was in the works from the beginning.
that's just covering your ego.
i think he was waiting to see if he and i had an actual chance.

i want to break hearts dammit! none of this "well i was going to break up with you first!" "no, II WAS!" "no, iiiiiii was!"

just be a man and admit that you're disappointed.
it's all balls.
balls i say.

i totally broke up with him first. it was my idea first.
don't steal my thunder.
the thunder is mine.
it belongs to me.
ok.
that's all. i think i've made my point.

i win.

ok. i'm done....

but i totally won.

blogaholic

i'm compelled to blog lately. even b4 my trip i was in need of blogging. but i feel like i need to space the blogs out... to build suspense...
well screw it. i'm just blogging.

so i think this little 2 month tryst with boy served a higher purpose. i wasn't sure what until i thought of sending a little email 'hi' to my ex. the one who wanted to be friends with me, and the one i wanted to kill.
i don't want to kill him anymore.
my angst towards that situation seems to have gone away.
this may be temporary... but i don't think so.
i'm now quite okay with the idea of him returning to toronto in the summer.

i guess one does have to get under someone to get over someone else.

take it as it comes

things to do:
break it off with the guy. it's not what i want.
he msn's me. i call him. done. no problem.

change of heart

i missed him when i was away.
it was great to see him when i got back.
2 nights spent together... more intense than usual.
thought i might be into the whole relationship thing with this guy.
i was getting sentimental.

something switched.
maybe it was the sex in the bedroom, under the covers with the lights off. again.
maybe it was the disappointing excursion rock climbing.
maybe it was the bat in the cave.
maybe it was the smoking.
maybe it's the way he always has to be in control.

all the flaws are jumping out at me.
there's only a vague haze left of what i was attracted to.
maybe i was just attracted to me reflected in his eyes.
maybe i just needed a boost.
i'm now boosted.

i feel trapped.
i want sex, but not with him.
i want adventure.
i want variety.
i want sunshine.
i want spontaneity.
i want it my way.
i want hard body, lights on, in the kitchen, on the table.

i don't want this anymore.

but what do i do now? he's in mid fall.

hello 2008

first day back.
things to get done.
email from my friend who's house sitting: "the landlord mentioned an eviction notice... get here soon".
so my jan cheque was dated 2007.
easy fix.
call landlord, write new cheque.
still, complaints about my cat from the neighbors.
things to do: write letter to neighbors asking to not let cat inside.... no problem.
next on the list.
go to pharmacy for morning after pill. one can never be too careful.
get to pharmacy. credit card declined.
things to do: call credit card company. easy. done. turns out i was issued a different card. my new card is at home. don't have money to get home. don't have debit card b/c it was lost in mexico.
things to do: go to bank. 20 min walk away.
no problem. run to bank get replacement debit card. done. no problem.
things to do: go back to pharmacy to pay for pill. take pill. 2 pills in 12 hrs without boy noticing.... timing will be off as can't inconspicuously take second pill in middle of night. will have to wait till boy is in shower in the am.
done. ok. no problem.

next.
laundry.
can do at boys house. almost done. next: load #2. no detergent.
things to do: go buy detergent.
done.

things to do:
contact work re: hours. done.
contact agency re: schedule. don't know schedule. email agency and say i'll keep them updated. done.
things to do: contact director re: schedule for rehearsal for bad play.
done.

what else....
go to gym... not going to happen.
have sex with boy.
done.
again.
done.
add fling as friend on facebook.
done.
wake up at boys house and start to freak out b/c i'm totally in a relationship.
done.

one thing at a time.
no problem.
i can handle it.
2006 abd 2007 were full of such craziness that all this just seems like routine.
i think i'm getting the hang of this 'real world' thing.
only took me 4 years.

i think i'm going to like 2008.

and the boy wins over the fling....

so i missed him.
but that doesn't mean i was good while i was away.
i couldn't have been... i needed to do what i would have done if single.
that was the point of going away.
to be independent. to be alone and experience traveling alone.

i'm back.
he missed me. a lot.
however i try to avoid labeling this situation it seems fairly clear upon my return that i'm in a relationship.
at least i held out til the new year.
what can you do.

once a committment phobe....

so i'm back to freak out mode.
he said:
'so we haven't talked about what we are going to do when you are in mexico'
i thought:
'ahhhhhhhh!!!! you're trying to trap me! you're trying to squash my fabulous free spirited ways!'
i calmly replied:
'whatever do you mean' (innocent bewildered look... well not quite... but you get my drift)
he said:
'well, you might meet some guys there'
i said:
'you might meet some girls here' (well played, i know...)
he said:
'i'm just wondering what you want to do'
i thought:
'i want to have hot passionate sex with foreign men without any consequences and come back here after 2 1/2 weeks to you worshiping the very ground i walk on'
i actually said:
'let's just play it by ear, see what happens'
he was quiet.

dammit.... why did he have to bring it up? just when i was starting to let down my guard.
bah.

falling

so i don't really know what happened and when... but somewhere between last post and now, my cynical side has taken a backseat to retarded behaviour such as:
- big smile across my face whenever i see boy, flutter of excitement whenever i think about boy,
- random thoughts of future life, job, and apartment with choose-your-own-adventure options for with boy and without.

i'm not well.
i'm still talking the talk of the cynic... acting all... 'whatever' and 'we'll see' and 'i don't know'. i think it's mildly convincing. i've mildly convinced myself....

i actually can pinpoint the turning point, now that i think of it.
this is what happened:
on the weekend - i spent two nights in a row with boy. was getting freaked out. boy came to see me perform. boy, me and guy friend went out for drinks. boy wanted to go home - asked if i could come with. i said no b/c of cat. he was very cool about it. but then i said goodbye, pretended to go home and then proceeded to go for 2 more pitchers with guy friend with the hopes that we would hook up so that i could confidently confirm my status as single. here's where i point out what an asshole i am...
we didn't hook up. i didn't want to. i'm not even into my guy friend. he's just my friend. any doubts i ever had about that were quickly erased that eve.
but i did get super drunk and crashed at his place. in his bed. nothing happened.
i woke up feeling like shit, both physically and emotionally. i felt like an asshole.... possibly because i am one. i missed boy.

next time i talked to boy he seemed distant. i felt panicked.
i then cleared a little space in my brain to accept the fact that i like boy. i made an effort to go see him.
next time i saw him i was toast. with butter and jam.

i noticed today that he took away his 'looking for' status on facebook.
when i used his computer the other day(when he was out) i saw that he googled a song named after me for guitar tabs. how retardedly cute is that? almost enough to vomit. almost enough to start writing his name in little hearts all over my geography binder (note obvious highschool crush reference).

i'm still not making any committments.... these things will have to wait til post mexico. just b/c i'm falling for guy is no excuse to give up potential hot situations in a foreign language.
am i right? i'm right. i'm totally right.

i'm totally cool. totally in control.
no worries.
totally fine...
shuttup! you're all judging me!
i'm so fine about all this....

2 weeks

i have two weeks and one day before i leave for mexico.
two weeks to:

-work exactly 8 more shifts.
-brush up on my spanish (this includes watching spanish movies, listening to spanish music, and doing spanish homework).
-have the hottest surf-ready body ever (this includes eating no bad food and working out every day).
-find wonderful enlightening book(s) to bring with me.
-get a base tan via artificial cancer-inducing salon.
-write exam for work so i am officially certified and don't have to stress out about it over holiday, and maybe get offered amazing job in mexico so that i don't have to come back.
-not spend all my money so that i'm not crazy broke and stressed when i return from amazing mexico.
-get travellers cheques.
-pack .
-not fall for new guy.
-not become in any way committed to new guy.
-not become attached to, dependent of, needy of. wanting more of, obsessed with or sentimentally inclined towards - new guy.
-do laundry.
-get professional bikini wax so as not to appear european in hot bikini in hot body on hot beach with hot surfers who i will have hot fantasy-type experiences with b/c i'm not in any way committed to new guy.
-make two weeks be more like 2 days in my head.

i think all these things are reasonably do-able in two weeks. no problem. i'll let you know how it all works out.

oh so predictable.

i'm starting to like him too much.
i knew this would happen.
he wants to drive me to the airport when i leave for mexico.
that's 3 weeks away.

i met his brother.
before i met him(the brother), i thought i'd end up wanting to sleep with him (because that's just how things work for me...) but i didn't.
his brother is cute and tall.
but i didn't care.
i like my guy. my guy is cuter.

two and a half weeks in mexico will hopefully start me thinking straight.
i may be getting in over my head.

new developments

i slept at my friends house after a night out of drinking. in an unusual turn of events, we did not have sex. this is progress.
i read at an open mic. just a story. it went over well. one step closer to standup.
i stayed at the boys house last night. i woke up without the usual anxiety.

all these things are small progressions for me. i was having a coffee on college today, writing in my journal - still feeling stuck. in limbo. something weighing me down but not sure what.

then i got a call from my ex. the ex with all the expectations. the ex whom i care about but who drains my energy at least 50% of the time. the ex whom i feel like i can't quite shake off. the ex who needs to be my friend.

he got a job out of the country. he'll be gone for six months at a time. he's leaving in less than two weeks.

i'm happy for him, but also happy for me.

a weight has been lifted.
i feel like there should be some sort of celebration.
it's like leaving home after highschool and realizing that there's no way your parents have any idea or control over what you are doing.
freedom.

stuck-in-my-head cabin fever

ahhrrrggghhhh!
what the fuck is wrong with me.
i'm all weird and in a bad mood and lonely but want to be alone, but not really - and kind of want to see this guy i'm dating... but too stubborn with my 'single and proud' image to tell him i want to see him... and convincing myself that i don't like him... that i'm just bored.

i had an audition for a role i really wanted.
i didn't get it.
obviously.
but i got my hopes up on this one.

balls.

trying to date and act casual is retarded.
the only things that are fun are either
a) passionate affairs with built in endings (ie. vacation fling, or foreign exchange student fling)
b) great relationship with someone you can't get enough of and have so much fun with and who knows you so well and loves every little bit of you and visa versa

things that are not fun include
a)relationships that feel like a shit load of work and are based on ideas not emotions
b) casually dating someone you aren't even into
c) casually dating someone you are into but are trying not to be into because you think you should be living some wild and free single existence... which half the time actually consists of eating icecream alone in your apartment.... however it can sometimes consist of being amazing and writing and going to the gym and being fabulous in general... but not all the time.

so i'm obviously trying to keep my single status for as long as possible.... for the following reasons -
1) i want to be free for flinging when in mexico
2) i want to spend my time writing and pursuing my career.

the problem is i have no motivation to do anything creative. i think i'm at a standstill. i feel creatively and emotionally constipated.

i want to throw myself off the don valley bridge.
but not really.
it's too cold outside.

however, not cold enough to eat a tub of ice cream.
but too cold to go out and get it.

what a dilemma.

giving in

i've stopped freaking out for the time being. reassessed my boundaries. i'm still jumpy and off and an insomniac (only 1.5hrs of sleep last night) - but things are starting to seem more manageable.
i wrote ideas for standup.
i called my agency re: auditions and work schedules.
the boy contacted me and wanted to come over last night.
i said no.
but i invited him and his friend to a party this wkend.
i don't want to avoid relationships and situations out of fear.

i realized my two biggest fears right now are:
-giving up shifts at work so i can audition, and being so broke and so not booking auditions
-falling for someone and ending up in a pattern of a 'why not' relationship.

the broke thing is something i'm just going to have to jump into - take a leap of faith with my career.
the relationship thing is something i don't want to analyze to death and control - i did that in my last relationship and it was robotic and by the book - lacking much needed passion - going all on thought.
so i think i'll go with the flow.

say yes to what i want and what feels right,
say no to what doesn't.

sounds so simple, but it's not always so easy.

not myself

i'm all over the place the past few days. feeling grumpy, then inspired, then quickly uninspired, then tired, then energetic, then lazy and hungry.
i was out with neenia yesterday and she said i didn't seem myself.
i'm all in my head.
i'm antsy.
i feel like i've hit a bump or a loop in my path and i'm wandering around without much control over my destination.
i'm not sure what to do about this boy i'm dating.
part of me thinks 'get out b4 you end up in a relationship'
part of me thinks 'just go with the flow' (however that works) or 'stick with it til the holidays' or 'you're just dating, what's there to think about?'
i don't want to fall into my old pattern of jumping into a relationship b/c it's what the other person wants.
i don't want to be in a relationship.
but i also don't feel like being 100% single. especially as the weather gets colder and the thought of having someone to sit on a couch with and watch movies is extremely appealing.
not to mention sex.
i have an audition tomorrow. finally. but unfortunately i have to give up an hour of work for it. i'm losing $30. with no guarantee that i'll get the audition. and i'm already on a super tight budget.
but i said i had to do this.
i said i had to put acting before the dayjob.
one step back.... two steps forward?
hopefully.
i think i should start doing standup comedy.
but i'm a chicken shit.
and i don't feel all that funny these days.
but it's a way i can progress myself.
it's something i can do.

i feel like making a fort with pillows and bed sheets and hiding in it and eating chocolate chip cookies and reading archie comics.

i can't seem to hold onto a thought.
arrgg.

i was on city tv yesterday. talking about americans vs canadians. wierd. i was stopped in the street.
i didn't see it.
i wonder if anyone i know did.

i got a facebook message yesterday from one of my exes friends who lives in montreal. i never talk to him. it was totally random. he went on about how cute i was and wondered why i ever dated his friend. then said i should look him up if i'm in montreal. random. weird. why do my exes friends hit on me? i have no interest in him.
i feel like the universe is just throwing random shit at me for kicks.

it's still there

[warning: this blog contains a spoiler - must read previous blog "more than words" first. how cheeseball is that??]
------------------------------
I’m feeling conflicted.
I went back to his place last night, partially b/c I had agreed to before the hairclip situation, and partly b/c the hairclip takes some pressure off of exclusivity…
Except for the fact that he’s treating me like a girlfriend-in-progress.
The hairclip wouldn’t bother me so much if he just treated me like a casual dating/sex partner.

If he said “I have to get up really early, so I’ll get you a cab home”, or “I had a good time. We should do this again sometime… I’m really busy, so not this week… but sometime… take care.” I could handle it. If he kept his hands to himself when we were out together. The actions would match the hairclip, so to speak.

But instead he assumes I’m staying over and in the morning says “you don’t have to get up if you don’t want. I’ll give you a key so you can sleep in and leave when you like.” And “I bought us tickets for an event in your neighborhood two weeks from now. Do you think you could leave your Spanish class early and come?” He constantly holds my hand, touches and kisses me in public. He apologizes for the alarm going off early in the morning. He tells me I look sexy ‘morning, noon and night’ – to which I roll my eyes. He gives me a raincoat for the walk home.

My toothbrush, the one he gave me, is in his toothbrush holder.
In the meantime the hairclip is just sitting there on the night stand screaming “lies!”
Sex was distracting.
I was paranoid.
I was pissed off.
I was thinking “when was the hairclip left? It’s all a matter of when. If it was left before we even had sex, that’s one thing… if it was after…”
Orgasm was a nearly impossible thing.

So now what? I have his raincoat. I don’t want to bring the hairclip up, because I don’t want to have the ‘are we exclusive’ talk. I don’t even know if I like him anymore.
I really, really liked him on Saturday night.
Now I don’t know what to think.
I’m not good at breaking things off.

more than words

So I’m getting all nervous and paranoid about this guy b/c he’s actually nice. Like he treats me nicely (he cleans, cooks for me, pays for drinks, provides me with a clean toothbrush) and doesn’t have to point out every time he does (like my narcissistic “I’m such a great catch – aren’t I? aren’t i?” ex boyfriend).

I met this guy online. Weird, but so far okay. He makes me breakfast in the morning. He sends me home with ttc tokens and homemade soup. He invites me to concerts. He’s good in bed. He “we’s” me – which freaks me out a bit. He plays guitar, which is like porn for me. He compliments me. A lot. He notices and seems to appreciate little details about me.

Last night, on the couch, I started pulling the bobby pins out of my hair (I always wear bobby pins to keep my hair out of my face). He lightheartedly mentioned that the other night in bed he rolled over onto one of my ‘clips’ and it freaked him out until he realized what it was.

He mentions how he was thinking about me in specifics: “I was thinking what character you would play in a movie” or “I was thinking about how you like to tell a whole anecdote for what most people will just leave as a comment” or “ I was thinking about you teaching, and what that would be like”. He wants to take me snowboarding.

I’ve been stressed b/c it’s still very, very early. Just dating. But sleeping together. I wonder if I should still go out with other people. I wonder if I could sleep with someone else without feeling like I’m breaking some unwritten rule. We haven’t had the “exclusive talk”.

This morning (after I had agreed to come back to his place this evening) I rolled over, looked at his bedside table and saw a hair clip. The hair clip he was telling me about.

It wasn’t mine.

rules

what are the rules of online dating?
if i am sleeping with someone, is it ok to still make dates with other people?
at what point to i have to be exlusive??
one friend told me that once i am sleeping with and dating one person, it is not in good taste to date anyone else...
but, i mean, we met online...
i don't even know that i have time or desire to date more than one person at a time ... but i just don't know that i'm ready to cut off my options.

the cynicism does wear off

i'm excited about my movie date tomorrow night... date #3 with a so far nice, attractive guy.
i get choked up watching carrie run into mr. big and natasha for the first time in the hamptons.
i fantasize about meeting a perfect guy for me at the rock climbing gym.
i think about romance.
i think i might be able to share my nighttime space with someone else... maybe once a week.
i ache just a little for a warm body to hold onto.

but i don't feel empty,
i don't feel like i'm missing out.
i walked around today with a smile on my face - laughing at inside jokes, loving the fall air, and satisfied with doing things for myself.

i still like being single,
but i'm letting go of my cynic.

understanding

i think my ex finally gets it. he understands that he's my ex and not my best friend. of course, because he is so morally superior to me - he considers me a friend first, and an ex second.
i consider him an ex first - and i'm okay with that.
and he gets it.
horrah!
freedom.

exhole

i emailed my ex bf - whom i'm still friends with on occassion, and asked him not to read my blog anymore b/c it made me feel restricted. totally valid.
so he f#@&ing calls me at 1:20am b/c he wants to talk about it - knowing that i work at 730am the next day! i woke up, didn't answer - but then i was up and down all night and woke up feeling grumpy and tired. so not cool! so not cool at all!! 1:20 in the goddamn morning? is it really that urgent? ahhhhhhhh!!!! (as you can see i'm still filled with the rage one experiences after an interrupted, much needed sleep).
what the hell was he thinking??
why can't i just have a normal ex that hates me?

the internet is decieving

so online guy wasn't what he was advertising.
a bit of a disappointment.
a bit of a relief.
could have friend potential - but it seems obvious that friends is not what he's looking for.
seemed like a sweet guy.
just really young, and nervous, and trying to hard... and a mini lisp....
possible potential... but i dunno...
weird.
maybe the internet guy is there under the nervous first date guy... who knows.

little bit lonely

today is the first day in a long stretch where i've felt lonely. like lonely single lonely. it's not overwhelming - just a twinge.
i have a date tonight. someone i've been out with once before. seems like a really nice guy - someone i would be friends with. i'm actually hoping that's all it amounts to, is friendship, because i'm not sure if i'm attracted to him. although i've only met him once.... the thought of having a 'nice time' with someone i've just met could be part of the source of this new lonley feeling. or maybe it's because the world just slowed down for me today after whizzing around my head. or maybe it's because my friend canceled dinner plans on me at the last minute. or maybe it's because i had sex last night after a moderate dry spell (with a total mutual understanding that we don't want to get involved) and had the taste of something physical again... but just physical... or maybe i'm just tired.
i have an on line crush. this may be either part of source of lonliness, or a byproduct of... i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow. part of me hopes that we don't click in person. or at least not physically... because on paper, he's my exact type - a photographer (hot), adventure photographer (even hotter), rock climber (hot), super active and outdoorsy (hot), a year younger than me (very hot), is environmentally concious(hot), has his own business, his own house and seemingly is successful before the age of 30 (hot/makes me a teeny jealous).
so you see this would be a problem if i end up being super attracted to him as i don't want to be in a relationship.
but then this little enemy called lonliness sneaks up and makes it seem just a little bit appealing.
i just haven't had any luck with those relationship things for such a long time that i've thrown in the towel.... at least for the time being.

well, anyway, this blog is a bit rambly...
i'm sure i'll go back to non lonely by tomorrow.

torn

i'm at a point where i want to reduce my dayjob hours (again) and start being a writer/actor full time. this has always been my long term goal - but the past couple of weeks have made me want it now.
i've already reduced my dayjob hours.
and i like my dayjob - it's great.
but i have all these new opportunites to actually have my writing produced. i have 4 new projects to work on... actually 5... but i've only started 3 ... but the thing is - i want to write. i don't even care that i'm not getting auditions right now. i get to perform on my own (not for pay) in film and on stage anyway.
and i've been sick the past 4 days. i wish i had the money to tell my work to book me off for the next week so i can stay in bed, regain my health, and write write write.
i need to figure out how to do this.
how can i afford to do this??
i'd be happy to do two shifts at my work per week. but that wouldn't be nearly enough money.
i need to book a commercial.
i'd need to get an audition for that to happen.
bah.
i feel all antsy and jumpy inside.
maybe i could get a grant.
maybe i'll call margaret atwood and ask her for one of hers.
good idea.
"hi, margaret? yes. this is artsmonkey... um, you don't know me, but i was wondering if i could have one of your grants...... yeah? .... you don't mind?.... great... i appreciate this!... bye!"
easy as pie.

almost famous

I want to write. i want to do. my input is becoming output.
i have this new director friend who likes working with me.
someone who i like and respect as a director wants to work with me - a lot! craziness.
i'll be filming this scene soon for her directors reel.
i'll have to flirt, laugh, cry, be terrified, be in bed with a man, try to escape murder, try to stop a suicide.
huge test of acting chops.
i'm terrified.
but i'm soooo going to do it.
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
one fantasises about living out these moments on film.
then it is presented to you.
it's now or never.
just go.

date and the city

i had a date.
i have no serious interest in this person.
not even sure if i'm that attracted.
but i had a date!
i learned that on dates, men open doors for women, pay for things (also allow you to pay for some things), help you on with your coat and contact you the day after to say they enjoyed themselves.
hm.
weird hey?
who knew?
i think i like this 'dating' thing.
before when i dated - i was looking for love. i didn't really admit it, but i was. i was looking for 'the one'. so if the date wasn't good, it was depressing. if it wasn't great it was depressing. if i wasn't super into the guy - it was depressing.
now i can just enjoy it for what it is.
i say 'i don't want a relationship'
and now no expectations.
at all.
fun.

more evidence of age

i was at the gym this evening doing some stretching/pilates after a jog. in the same room as me were a cute boxing guy using one of the punching bags and 20-23 yr old cute girl with dancers legs. she was wearing a pink tee shirt and shorts, and was doing some exersises/stretches that gave evidence of a dance background - most likely jazz. i suddenly wished i was wearing shorts and a pink tee shirt.
i was at the side of the room doing some conservative exercises to work on strengthening some necessary muscles to avoid the aches and pains i've been experiencing b/c of jogging... nothing fancy or sexy about it.
the cute girl went through a series of sit ups and push ups and finally started sliding into the splits.
i used to do the splits at the gym.
before i tore my adductor muscles in jazz class.
she was tanned.
i used to tan.
before my dermatologist told me to never again venture into the sun and if i had to i should wear a tent.
guess who the cute boxer guy started talking to?
i remember when the cute boxing guys would come over and talk to me after watching me 'work out'.
i found it somewhat flattering but also kind of annoying.
"i wish i was that flexible"
"can you give me any pointers for stretches?"
god that was annoying. i'm not an object! i know what you're thinking!

i miss that.

funny. i could probably give them more advice now - given my pilates experience.
but i think the splits is better advertising.
for more than just stretching advice.

i think i need to start working on my splits.
maybe i'll ease into it at home.
i wouldn't want to pull anything in public... definitely not good advertising.

ladies who lunch

this woman who directed a documentary i was in last year keeps sending out emails to, i'm assuming, all her female contacts.
these emails are regarding social events that she is trying to organize for "womyn"
she spells it like that:
"womyn"
is that not like nails on a chalk board?!!! gahhhhh!!!!
stuff like "movies for my womyn friends about womyn so us womyn can get together and discuss what it is to be womyn."....blah blah blah
garrrrrghghghgh!!!
so i delete them b/c it takes all the power in me to even skim the email without throwing myself off a building and impailing myself on a lamp post.
but wait - now she just sent me a personal email!
"hey artsmonkey, did you get my email about the upcoming movie date for womyn?"
bahhh!!
yes! but i trashed it! and i am rejecting your offers solely on the premise that i can't stand how you spell 'women'" it's w-o-m-e-n! no 'y'! no 'y' goddammit!!
also i don't know this lady at all and would feel strange and awkward going to some random event with god knows who.
hell, maybe i'm judgemental and awful.
but it's just how i feel.
now i need to find a way to decline politely.

all you need is love?

i watch love on tv. lust. want of love.
i read about love and want of love.
i listen to friends talk about how great it is to have love, how much it sucks to lose and how much they want it.

this topic used to be my thing.
the search. trying trying trying.

it's not in my basket of 'wants' anymore.
who knows why.
maybe i'm exhausted by the search.
maybe i've temporarily given up.
maybe i don't believe in it.
maybe i'm just okay without it.
maybe i've built up my guards so much in the last year or so that i can't even remember what it feels like and therefore don't feel like i'm missing anything.

or maybe i don't even want to bother unless it is the real thing and i don't have the time or patience anymore to play the fairytale.

or maybe i have enough faith that life will lead me where i need to go and i shouldn't bother forcing or searching for it.

i feel like i've had a partial lobotomy and had the 'love' (romantic type) section removed.

in any case...
i think i'm actually content.
for the time being.

all grown up

yesterday a co-worker asked me about my 'partner'. i then briefly explained my break up (including the 4 months post-breakup of working together). he then said 'you must be really happy right about now' referring to the fact that as of a couple weeks ago i'm really on my own.
and i thought, 'yeah, i guess i am'
although the past few weeks (post halifax) i've been down and feeling alone in a not-so-great way.
his simple statement made me think - i should be happy. i have what i want.
i think part of my problem is i've been comparing my new single-dom to what i remember of being single.... but the thing is - the last time i was left single (for more than a month) i was 22 years old. and the time before that - 19.
i'm 27 years old. things have changed. i've changed. pretty much all of the goals i set for myself when i was 22 have been achieved.
i've finished school, i'm financially independent, i have a day job that i like, i live on my own, i have an agent and i'm actively pursuing my career (even though i haven't reached fame and fortune yet).
it didn't occur to me that i want different things now.
what all those things are - i'm not completely sure - but it's time to set new goals and live the life of 27yr old artsmonkey, not 22yr old artsmonkey.
at first i was depressed - i felt old. i felt like maybe my exciting life was coming to a close.
but that's silly. i wouldn't want to be 22 again.

so all that being said - i'm glad i'm on my own. i'm happy that i don't have to worry about anyone but me. i like doing what i want when i want, without feeling like i'm neglecting someone or being selfish.
i'm looking fwd to getting to know and figuring out this more grownup me (but of course not too grown up)

god doesn't want me to get laid

i had my first spanish class tonight.
i'm excited.... twice a week i will be reminded of my upcoming vacation. (3 months and counting).
but...
everyone in my class is a woman! wtf? the teacher was like "all women! this has never happened to me!" so i can't even discount this event to the thought that men don't like learning languages...
i thought this whole taking spanish classes thing might enhance my social life/give me options for extra curricular activities.... and by that i mean having deep conversations... and by that i mean communicating through the international language of 'fuck me'.

all women!
and none that i would sleep with (i gave the class a good scan) - of course i considered it - one must keep their options open... stay optimistic... don't throw in the towel right away... work with what you've got.... i mean, jesus fed a crowd by multiplying fishes and loaves of bread...
there are no fishes or loaves of bread in my spanish class.
not one loaf. or one edible fish.
maybe god would be more on my side if i went to church.
but then i wouldn't be allowed to have frivolous sex out of wedlock.
catch 22: go to church and get guilted out of cock - or - don't go to church and you're off god's wish list.
bah.
i'm switching... pagan's have orgies, right?

late night 'poetry'

Late at night.
All alone.
Feeling less alone after a good day.
But still alone.
Thinking of something.
Sex maybe.
Love.
No.
Infatuation or intrigue.
None of this will materialize.
Just fantasy.
Non committal fantasy.
And I go to sleep alone.
Well.
Not alone.
The cat curls up.
Pinning the blankets around my legs.
Rendering me immobile.
Can I complain?
----------------------
I remember being sent poetry.
‘I wrote one of them’
He says
‘which one’
‘I won’t tell’
I think I’ve picked it out
He’s trying out romance
Seeing if it fits
I’m the guinea pig

---------------------------
Can you tell me something?
Anything
Something to make me think
Make me change
Make something happen
No
Not right now
You will have to settle with what has already been said
------------------------------------------------

It’s difficult to pinpoint
This mixed bag
Of mysteries and disappointments
Hoping the next will be a surprise
-------------------------------------

When the page breaks is it time to stop?
Stop what
Just stop
I don’t know – no one told me the rules
That’s good
I don’t like rules
Neither do I
So let’s just play it by ear.

----------------------------------------------
If it all didn’t come along so quickly
I might be better prepared

all dressed up and nowhere to go

i was filming a scene today to help a director w/her demo reel. the woman i was acting opposite to is will smith's exclusive makeup artist's daughter btw.... side note .... will this make me famous by association??? probably not.
anyhoo - this is not the subject at hand.
here's the thing:
i'm all dressed cute. cute skirt, tank and bohemian style shirt thing. nice hair, makeup....
and i just got dropped off at home.
now what?
nothing.
this would be the perfect evening for a date.
the perfect night for someone to take me out for dinner or drinks.
somewhere nice.
i want to be treated.
is that too much to ask? ???
i look cute goddammit! there are boring - average individuals being taken out all over this city.... pick me! pick me!
(none of this implies that i want a relationship... it would just be nice to be taken out on a date. a real date. i don't think i've had a guy take me out for a real dinner - a nice dinner - (besides my dad) for i don't know how long.... wait - yes i do - over a year ago. last may or april. too long.)
you know, at what point did i decide that men with money = boring and unattractive? what was i trying to prove? i think i need to be a little more open minded.

things to do:
1. don't dismiss men just b/c they have money.
2. get taken out by men who have money.
3. make sure these men are also sleep-with - able.

one must have goals.

friends

it's good to have friends. even when they are far away or only sometimes accessible. last night was a treat b/c i knew neenia and i would get to see each other - and then upon walking home with her it became a blogger party! like this weird suprise! after all this time of blogging and having everyone start out in very different locations - i would have never imagined us all in the same room (minus miss pants - but i'm sure there will be a time for that)
as i tried to get to sleep on the mattress beside alathariel, i thought about neenia in the next room with her b/f - finally in goddamn toronto... of skinny in the room beside that - of whom i'm enjoying the increased frequency of our encounters, and of bedroom prince down the 'hall' with his man. all sleeping.
like a slumber party.
it made me feel like a kid again.... chatting about anal sex into the wee hours of the morning... well - maybe the conversation differed.... whatever - you get my point.
i'm tired today from lack of sleep - but your company was worth it. i will remember this when i am feeling lonely.
thanks for the medicine - it's exactly what the dr. ordered.

wants

i got my hair cut, i have my appetite back and i'm going to listen to jazz tonight.
this is an improvement.
i was reading old journals/morning pages from 9 months ago. most of what i wanted then i now have.
i said that i wanted an agent, i wanted my own apartment, i wanted to not have bedbugs, i wanted to have more money and i wanted time alone - more space. i wanted mornings to myself.
i have all these things.
realizing this slightly improved my mood.
only slightly though. i still think i'm in a weird funk. getting better though.

sharing

i don't like to share unless it's my idea.
i've always been like this.
when i was a child it was toys and ideas.
now it's people.
i'm happy to share friends for the most part.
sometimes it bothers me.
a friend dating another friend.
an ex friends with a close friend.
a close friend independently getting close with an old friend.

i think it's when the shared friendships happen outside of my existence.
i think maybe it makes me feel disposable.
insecure.
afraid of being left out.
afraid of being second best.

thankfully these insecurities pass fairly quickly.
ahhh... human frailty.
i hate to admit it.

redecorating

i rearranged my room. i have sooooo much more space. and it feels brighter. and cleaner. and less cluttered.
i actually am enjoying having tea at home.
i usually can't get out of the door fast enough to get to a coffee or bfast place.
this is good.
this means i might eat in more often and save money.
this means i'll be in a better mood in the mornings.

change is good.

awake at 3:43am

i slept from 5pm-1am.
now i'm awake.
i ate some crackers and cheese. only b/c i was nonfunctionally hungry. food is boring to me the past few days. this worries me. i love food and drink when i am myself.
so if i'm not myself, who am i? good question.

just finished a book called "reinventing eve: modern woman in search of herself"
i've learned new things from this book. i feel like information was witheld from me my whole life. i've been brainwashed with man-propeganda. i already knew this. but i get it even more now.... this pisses me off. i'm glad i read the book though... makes me want to learn more. i want to read the gnostic gospels. i want to know more about how i was mislead by bible stories as a child.

my ex left me messages after reading my blogs. "misinterpreted" he says. "unfair" he says. this may be true.
but what about the day that i don't misinterpret?
how do you really stay friends with an ex and move on at the same time? where does the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship end and the friend/friend relationship begin?
i think he thinks he's better than me in that respect. he's able to be nonhuman, nonjealous, nonirrational. perfectly true to his words...
this could be true.... or it could just be a mask.
i don't want to be different though. these things are a part of me. these things make me real. along with other qualities.
we don't understand eachother.
i don't want us to be enemies. i'd like for us to be friends. i don't know how to be unaffected by changes.

i haven't had much ability to sleep lately. i wonder if something is wrong... like maybe i'm ill...
i think i'll wait it out. highs come with lows.

i have good things that i can think about. but it doesn't change the fact that i'm awake but with no energy. hungry with no desire to eat.
normally i can at least motivate myself to go for a walk or swim or run. movement is always what saves me.
maybe i'm coming down with something.
i'm too tired.

tomorrow is another day.
"the sun'll come out tomorrow" according to annie.
i hope she's right.

tit for tat

i feel like i'm being punished for my past relationships.
the exact same scenario. me on the other side.
me reading his thoughts.
i think he's met someone new.
i'm sure he has. there is not much other interpretation.
i don't want to be friends anymore.
this is too soon.
a few days ago we were sharing a bed.
i'm not happy for him.
i just feel completely ill.
i can't handle things like this.
i'm too human.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
mother goddamn fuck.
why do i even bother letting anyone in.

short circuit

do you remember the movie's short circuit 1 and 2? with what's his face and the robot?
i loved those movies.
i am taking a cue from the robot. i forget his name. but i remember him ramsacking steve gutenburg (is that his name?)'s apartment reading books and watching movies and yelling "input.... input!!" my sister and i used to say that over and over in his funny robot voice. children are annoying... i'm glad i don't have any... anyway - to my point.
i will focus the next few months of my life on input. the last year and more was all about output.
writing. producing. showing. teaching.
i feel drained of fuel.
i need to refill... input.
reading. discovering. watching. learning.
i was down b/c i didn't know what to give out next. what to make.
my resources have run dry.
so now it is time to take classes. spanish. pilates. acting.... study. go for walks. talk with friends. see movies. read books. travel.
i don't know how long it will take to refill.
i have identified the problem though... so now i feel better.
i was wondering why i wasn't itching to put on the next production, expand my current play or write a new one.
i think i figured something out.
i guess halifax had some merit.

home

i just got home today. i feel like i should have something to look forward to. a plan. but i don't really.
i'm glad to have my own space again. i was on the verge of killing my ex. for no reason other than we saw way too much of eachother.
i don't feel like i accomplished anything by going away.
i hate that.
i liked being away. but it was a weird situation.
i reconnected with some old friends. that part was good.
the weather was good.
i realized that i am older than i was 3 years ago. obviously. but i get it.
i love the fall in toronto.
i want to be excited about it. i want to be excited about my single life.
i'm just sort of blah right now.
maybe i just need to give it a day or two.
even my blogs suck.
goddamit!

no inspiration

i haven't been inspired to blog lately. i feel like i have nothing interesting or articulate to say. i'm even avoiding my journal. i read. i read the sixth harry potter. loved it. couldn't believe it. and again i am sucked into the wizard world after a 4 year hiatus. i have to wait to get back to toronto to borrow the seventh... or maybe i'll find someone who can lend it to me here... i need it.

i've been drinking beer nearly every day. eating pub food. eating ice cream and cake. running every other day to try to stop it from turning into a squishy spare tire on my waist.... it's not working very well. and now my ass is getting bigger from running. i don't get how that happens... i'm waiting patiently for the muscle in my ass to start eating the fat on my ass.... i don't think my muscles are all that hungry seeing as i keep feeding them ben and jerry's. dammit.

i'm going broke. my play is going well, but the audiences are super small b/c i barely know anyone here... so all the money i spent to get here is not being replaced by ticket sales. bah. and i want to go out and indulge on oysters and white wine.... i'm obviously going to do this anyways, but i'll feel guilty about it.

i'm here with my ex. it's okay. not great. not horrible. i'm being mean. i don't like that, but it's how i deal with my stress - i act like an asshole. it's one of my more endearing qualities. the 'being friends' thing is going alright... i think it should work in the long run - but i crave space.... although i could use a social life, which i don't really have here. and since it's always him and i out together, it looks like we're married (b/c everyone here over the age of 12 is married) so neither of us even has the chance for meaningless flirtation with the opposite sex. bah. it's a mutual cock block.

yet, i'm not ready to go back to toronto yet. we have 4 more shows. this is still sort of my holiday. when i get back to toronto i have to work. i have to complete the things i've been putting off. i have to put my nose to the grindstone. ouch. that sounds painful.

although i am looking fwd to seeing my friends again. i miss you guys.

rebel without a cause

i just feel like rebelling lately. being bad. doing what i shouldn't. i want to drink, smoke do drugs and have sex with inappropriate people. i want to stay up late on work nights. i want to blow work off (but i can't). i want to eat bad food and spend lots of money that i don't have. i want icecream. i don't want to clean, i don't want to pay attention, i don't want to take on any responsibility. i want to flop around my apartment and order in food and then complain that i'm fat and broke. i want to scream and throw my guitar out the window. i want to write nasty anonymous notes to my upstairs neighbors who throw loud parties on weeknights and don't invite me. i don't want to be nice. i don't want to answer my phone. i didn't send my dad a card for his bday and i'm not going to (we talked on the phone, so i can barely get away with this w/out being a completely horrible daughter). i don't feel like being sensitive to feelings. i'm just feeling like a big grouchy grouch with ants in my pants. i want to have sex but not with my ex. but i'm going to halifax with him for 2.5 weeks and staying probably in the same room. how does this work?
ahhhhrrrgggggg.
i want to break stuff.
it's that time of year.
symbolic back to school.
i don't want to go back. i want to go away.

o yeah.

i just got rapped about while on my bike.
does that make me more white that i just said that.
"i'm lovin' the lady on the bike in the green and black tight"

good times.

photos

ugh. puke. i hate facebook.
i need to stop looking.

fear

the other morning when i was writing my morning pages, i had a small epiphone. i shared it with neenia, and thought i'd share it with the rest of you.
i realized that for the past couple of years i have been motivated by fear when it came to my relationships and partnerships. fear of what would happen if i didn't start or stay in the relationship. fear that i might be missing out on something. fear that i'd hurt the other person. fear that i'd lose the other person and be lonely. fear that i couldn't go it alone. fear that i'd let the other person down.
now i'm in a place where i don't want to merge into a partnership, friendship, or relationship unless it's what i really want. i want to base my actions on positives rather than negatives.

this realization has made me see things more clearly. i now know for certain that i don't want to re-ignite things with my exexexexex. and i'm not worried that i'm letting something pass me by.
i don't want it.
the only reason i'd pursue it would be fear of being alone, or fear of passing up 'the one' and one day waking up and having nothing.

this has been a liberating discovery for me. yet i'm still just in the initial stages of truly figuring myself out and finding what it is that i want in my personal life. it's a lonely journey and i know it's going to be painful at times, but also wonderful at times.

i'm looking forward to doing for myself and acting on my gut.

on the upside

i have my friends.
i have the thought of going to mexico for two weeks this winter to learn spanish.
two weeks of sun and sand and watching boys surf while being a cool, language-learning, nomadic, hostel-staying traveler type.
i felt hot enough today to submit myself for the role of a "gorgeous mermaid" in a commercial. they probably won't call me - but at least i'd call me.
i'm going to halifax in three weeks.
i got more hours this week at work than i expected to - thus i am only partially broke - not destitute.
i'm going to dance class tonight... we'll see how that goes.
i attached my basket to the back of my bike again - making life that much more conveinient.
my exexexexex bf will not be visiting me this wkend. although it would be nice in the moment - it would be bad in the longrun.
i have plans this saturday. i'm tasting the danforth, then going to a birthday party.

so it's not so bad. and the mood is gradually improving.
if i could add a hot passionate no-strings affair to this list and some paid acting work - i'd be good to go.

grrr.

i am in a bad mood. bad. i'm actually generally not in the best of moods lately. i usually have a spurt of energy for a few hours each day - but beyond that, i'm grumpy, pissed off, blazee, sad, annoyed, lazy and dissatisfied. if it weren't for neenia, i'd probably be completely losing my mind.
i'm near to broke. my hours are diminishing at work b/c it's august and everyone is on holiday. i've misplaced or lost 2 of my bank cards. i have to finish apprentice hours for pilates and the studio i trained with is jerking me around and treating me like shit. i'm annoyed by men in general. my ex and i only communicate about business in cold clipped emails. i'm lonely but i don't want to really be around people. it's raining and i was going to ride my bike. my apartment is messy. i have no motivation to do anything. i got hit on a couple times when out with neenia the other night. cute guys. i talked to one for a while. i really had no interest though. what's the point? i'm not wanting to be with anyone right now anyway. i'd just end up back at square one.
okay. this blog is depressing and probably should have been reserved for my journal.
i'm going to go have a coffee. that'll give me my 2 hours of good mood.

book covers

i just came home from eating lunch solo at a vegan cafe on queen east. sitting near me was a six foot tall, very attractive and slim drag queen and a short balding gay wrestler. as i listened to their conversation i found that i had a lot in common with them. i have more in common with them than many of the people i would appear to "fit in" with.
i found this somewhat refreshing.

me myself and i

tonight i took myself out. i was going to stay at home and mope. but then i thought "you wanted to be single so you could spend time with yourself and with friends... so spend some time with yourself!"... i went for a long walk up and down the danforth, listening to my ipod. people watching. feeling very underdressed in my tank and board shorts and flip flops. i think that the danforth may be the high maintenance capital of canada... anyhoo... finally i found a little bakery/cafe where i had a glass of red and spanikopita, all for under $10. and decent red too. while there i wrote in my journal. there were three cute boys sitting across from me. i made up stories about the one facing me. i also wrote about how is facial hair looked like peach fuzz andit looks like a bad attempt to hide a babyface. i left the cafe in a much better mood than when i arrived. then i went to a candy store and was excited to find that they had my favorite british chocolate bar! i used to always get it when i was in scotland. so i bought one overpriced "yorkie" and ate it on my way home. a little too much sugar - and i was about to feel guilty about it, and then i thought - fuck that! it's a waste of my time feeling guity about stuff i eat. it takes long enough to eat it in the first place.
so that was my night. now i am going to watch an episode of the family guy and pretend that i don't have to work tomorrow.

the cheese stands alone

so in 24 hours or so i've gone from being crowded to deserted.

one has said he wont call.
one said he'd call and didn't.
one called to take back everything he said.

i wanted this.

it's a little shocking all at once.

cold turkey?

i always have found the extreme route suits me.

i just ate 2/3rds of a tub of ice cream.

overload

i'm in a shit mood. probably going through substance withdrawl. i feel like i just got back from being in "big brother - trapped in the muskokas". not that being at a cottage wasn't great. but too much emotional stress. a cottage can be relaxing. that's if you aren't there with your ex whom you are trying to be friends with/fighting with/occasionally fooling around with, and another couple who is on the verge of breaking up - all while doing 12 shows in 8 days with absolutely no days off prior to or during the run of the show. it also complicates things when you have a secret sordid past with another one of the cast members which gets drunkenly brought up at 530 in the morning after a night of debauchary. the icing on the "working vacation" (haha) are "i'm thinking of you" text messages coming from the ex ex ex ex ex ex boyfriend who has been hinting at getting back together.
ahhh!!
why is it that now that i've actively decided to be single i'm dealing with more relationship bullshit than ever?
leftover love. i guess i have to deal with what's here before i can get on with anything new.
on the bright side - it seems that things with me and my recent ex will sort themselves out in time. and i'm sure everything else will settle by the end of the summer.

and now i just feel like doing absolutely nothing. but i'm about to go for a 30 min bike ride uphill in 35 degree weather.
am i crazy? possibly. but i just need to move. and running away is not an option. so i think i'll just exhaust myself.

so nice to see you again.

i just want to say i missed all you blogger friends. i was without internet for over a week. i somehow survived. just barely.

where did the time go?

ahhhhh!! i am excessively overwhelmed at all the stuff i need to get done in a matter of a day. not even. tonight. blech. and i'm tired. and i want to take a nap. but my mind is racing too much to sleep. and my body is too tired to get stuff done so my mind won't race anymore.
what happened to all my time?
and when am i ever going to get laid when i'm so freakin busy?!!
i mean, first i have to meet someone. then arrange a 'date'. then decide if i even like them. then possibly have sex....
i have no time for all that.
whatever. i guess i'll have to be celebate for a while.
and stressed out.
celebate and stressed. a bad combination.
oh life.
on the bright side i have an agent.
on the bright side i'm in a show.
on the bright side i get to go to the cottage for a week and a half to do the show.
but why does it have to be so stressy?!!

too sexy

i was thinking about right said fred.
i don't think i'll ever be to sexy for my cat.
my shirt, definitely
my hat, maybe -
but not my cat.
what was right said fred thinking? clearly he wasn't.

one

i am finding much satisfaction in being alone. but i'm not really alone. i am constantly talking and meeting with friends. i've not had much time to feel lonely since returning from new york.... or even before.
i wonder if being single would feel so good if there weren't people out there who loved me and wanted to be with me.
i'm alone by label and by choice, but not alone in spirit.... i think i like that.

to thine own self be true

i'm an insomniac.
today was a healthy day - when i eat healthy it's harder to sleep. so now i'm drinking beer. good choice.
i was thinking about meant-to-be. i was thinking about fate. i was thinking about "to thine own self be true..."
i saw a play about a man who denied himself his true love for his entire life because he didn't want to be a homosexual. it eventually destroyed him and the people he loved.
i wonder if i've been too practical with my love life. after having my heart broken, i've gone about things to ensure that it never happens again. i've lived inside a shell. i've taken no personal/emotional risks.
but is that really true to who i am? or am i just being safe.

i lost faith in love a couple of years ago.
just in the past week i've felt a flicker of something that i haven't felt in a while - faith.
faith that there might be such thing as true love/meant to be.

time to myself has proven to be valuable. so has time with friends. old and new. i want more time.
i'm going to new york - and i'm going to soak it in, send out some questions to the universe, and listen.

?

i was walking on the danforth today and i passed a wedding dress shop that i usually distainfully ignore.
i paused. i looked. i wondered what kind of dress would look good on me.

i'm not well.

not ready for the season finale

it's somewhere around the beginning of the fifth season. the initial relationship and break up have long passed. the messy affair is behind us. his engagement was broken off over a season ago. we're getting along. there's a visit by train that results in much conversation about our past and a little bit of fun. but i'm not yet picking up the broken pieces of my necklace in a fancy hotel lobby in paris.
this season is about me. this is the season where i have my book published and wear fabulous clothes and stand by my friendships and my career. this is the season where i learn to have a relationship with myself.

pancakes that don't work

he's not here. one week i'll see him. maybe. i'm drunk off of 2 glasses of wine drank within 2 hours. how does that happen? i'm making pancakes. i only have half the ingredients. they arent working.
oh well.
my big will visit me tomorrow.
i'm curious.
i'm living in two different dimensions right now.

looking back

whenever i hit a turning point in my life - i tend to look backwards and map out how i got to where i am. i do this with everthing, but specifically relationships. it's like i'm checking in. seeing how far i've come. seeing if i'm different, and how.

i'm going to see one of my exes this weekend. when i still believed in "the one", i thought he was it. i thought he was it for a very long time. then he got engaged. so that solved that problem.... but of course the engagement broke off - but by that time i was through with believing in "meant to be". we've played enough mind games with eachother over the last ten years... ten years? ... nine. anyway - let's say it's put a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to love.

we still maintain a warped sort of friendship. and he never really goes away. the rest of them go away. he seems to always be behind the next corner ready to spring out and mess with my brain... or have me mess with his.

he's got to be the least 'right-for-me' person i've ever dated. when i compare him to my most recent exboyfriend/current friend - he falls far behind. yet i have a certain sense of comfort knowing that he's still out there thinking about me every now and again. i think it's because i get the feeling that he really knows me. or maybe he just knows who i was.
who knows.

i'm very curious to see how our visit goes.... seeing as our last visit was drama to the max.
too bad i wasn't blogging back then - those would have been some very juicy entries.

old habits die hard

i just got off the phone. after almost 2 years of no contact.
he makes me smile. he makes me laugh. really laugh.
he's such a...
he's so...
he's...
he's trouble.
and he's heading my way.

oh for fuck's sake.

memory

i stood outside of american eagle and remembered a shirt he used to wear. i loved that shirt. he looked so good in preppy/beachy clothes. i got caught in this memory for a while.
then i thought about his current girlfriend.
and i thought about where i was when i was with him.
and i think he's let himself be average.
he always let himself be average... even though he's not. or maybe he is. maybe i gave him too much credit.
i wonder if it's lonely, or if the days go by easier.

i go through phases where i think a lot about the people i've left behind. did i leave them, or did they just not want to come with me? i suppose in the end it's the same. i'm here. they are there.

i get a certain satisfaction in being alone. i get a certain comfort from being with someone.
i wonder if the two will ever come together and i will have comfort and satisfaction.
then i think - maybe i will never be satisfied - isn't that the life of an artist? isn't that why we create? but i know i'm on the right path. even if sometimes i stall or meander around in circles for a while.

at my birthday - one of my friends had a dejavu. i said that i like being part of someone else's dejavu. it makes me feel like i'm on the right path.

if i pay attention to the details, it isn't so hard to figure out where i'm going.

alone

i feel sad today. and sick. i have a cold. my mouth feels pasty. i don't want to leave the confines of my tiny apartment. i have things i have to do. i'm moving super slowly. i spoke to both of my parents yesterday. one in person, one on the phone. it was nice to talk, but i feel distant from them this time. i don't think they understand me. i think they worry about me. i think they want to fix me. but i don't want to be fixed. i didn't think there was anything wrong.

things to do:

- stop being an insomniac
- stop eating excessive bowls of raisin bran
- be in a musical soon
- take more dance classes
- make kick ass demo tape to get agent
- go to ny over long wkend
- get guitar re-strung so it doesnt sound like shit
- be hotter in general
- buy toilet paper

synchronicity

i think i may have magical powers... either that or fate is hanging around me as of late.
situation #1:
a used-to-be best friend of mine fell out of my life. for various reasons. conflicts, misunderstandings, competition, hurt feelings, separation of interests etc. she's been on my mind. two nights i dreamed of her. thought i should email. put it aside. today i'm eating b-fast at a greasy spoon and journaling. thinking today i will definitely email her and say we need to be friends again i even write this down. i am determined. i pay my bill, walk outside and head to my dance class. there she is - standing in front of the door, back turned to me...writing a note that says "hi artsmonkey, i miss you...." i interrupt her writing and we reuinite after four months of not seeing one another.
situation #2:
i don't feel like teaching a particular client a couple of days ago. i think hard about how i want her to cancel her appointment. right before her time slot i go to the receptionist and he says "she's not coming - she got in a car accident" ahhh!!! i ask if she's okay - he says it was very small, she just has to take her car in. phew! but still - that'll cost her a lot of money!
i think i might have superpowers. i need to use them wisely.

now i need to think up a superhero name! i just thought of that....
any suggestions? it has to have something to do with mindpower.... actually i'm also quick too... this one time when i was at h&m i caught a falling manequin without even a sideways glance... it just started to tip and i gracefully caught it while ever-so-casually walking out the door....
but that's the only cool thing i've done like that....
any suggestions?

unclassified

i like my non-relationship. there's no pressure. no/very little expectation. just time well spent. i wonder if this can last. it took about two weeks of being depressed, three weeks of breaking up/trying to be friends and one week of putting friendship into action. there will probably be more work ahead - but so far so good.
i'm friends with my ex.
i don't think i've done this successfully before.
let's see how it goes...