once a committment phobe....

so i'm back to freak out mode.
he said:
'so we haven't talked about what we are going to do when you are in mexico'
i thought:
'ahhhhhhhh!!!! you're trying to trap me! you're trying to squash my fabulous free spirited ways!'
i calmly replied:
'whatever do you mean' (innocent bewildered look... well not quite... but you get my drift)
he said:
'well, you might meet some guys there'
i said:
'you might meet some girls here' (well played, i know...)
he said:
'i'm just wondering what you want to do'
i thought:
'i want to have hot passionate sex with foreign men without any consequences and come back here after 2 1/2 weeks to you worshiping the very ground i walk on'
i actually said:
'let's just play it by ear, see what happens'
he was quiet.

dammit.... why did he have to bring it up? just when i was starting to let down my guard.
bah.

falling

so i don't really know what happened and when... but somewhere between last post and now, my cynical side has taken a backseat to retarded behaviour such as:
- big smile across my face whenever i see boy, flutter of excitement whenever i think about boy,
- random thoughts of future life, job, and apartment with choose-your-own-adventure options for with boy and without.

i'm not well.
i'm still talking the talk of the cynic... acting all... 'whatever' and 'we'll see' and 'i don't know'. i think it's mildly convincing. i've mildly convinced myself....

i actually can pinpoint the turning point, now that i think of it.
this is what happened:
on the weekend - i spent two nights in a row with boy. was getting freaked out. boy came to see me perform. boy, me and guy friend went out for drinks. boy wanted to go home - asked if i could come with. i said no b/c of cat. he was very cool about it. but then i said goodbye, pretended to go home and then proceeded to go for 2 more pitchers with guy friend with the hopes that we would hook up so that i could confidently confirm my status as single. here's where i point out what an asshole i am...
we didn't hook up. i didn't want to. i'm not even into my guy friend. he's just my friend. any doubts i ever had about that were quickly erased that eve.
but i did get super drunk and crashed at his place. in his bed. nothing happened.
i woke up feeling like shit, both physically and emotionally. i felt like an asshole.... possibly because i am one. i missed boy.

next time i talked to boy he seemed distant. i felt panicked.
i then cleared a little space in my brain to accept the fact that i like boy. i made an effort to go see him.
next time i saw him i was toast. with butter and jam.

i noticed today that he took away his 'looking for' status on facebook.
when i used his computer the other day(when he was out) i saw that he googled a song named after me for guitar tabs. how retardedly cute is that? almost enough to vomit. almost enough to start writing his name in little hearts all over my geography binder (note obvious highschool crush reference).

i'm still not making any committments.... these things will have to wait til post mexico. just b/c i'm falling for guy is no excuse to give up potential hot situations in a foreign language.
am i right? i'm right. i'm totally right.

i'm totally cool. totally in control.
no worries.
totally fine...
shuttup! you're all judging me!
i'm so fine about all this....

2 weeks

i have two weeks and one day before i leave for mexico.
two weeks to:

-work exactly 8 more shifts.
-brush up on my spanish (this includes watching spanish movies, listening to spanish music, and doing spanish homework).
-have the hottest surf-ready body ever (this includes eating no bad food and working out every day).
-find wonderful enlightening book(s) to bring with me.
-get a base tan via artificial cancer-inducing salon.
-write exam for work so i am officially certified and don't have to stress out about it over holiday, and maybe get offered amazing job in mexico so that i don't have to come back.
-not spend all my money so that i'm not crazy broke and stressed when i return from amazing mexico.
-get travellers cheques.
-pack .
-not fall for new guy.
-not become in any way committed to new guy.
-not become attached to, dependent of, needy of. wanting more of, obsessed with or sentimentally inclined towards - new guy.
-do laundry.
-get professional bikini wax so as not to appear european in hot bikini in hot body on hot beach with hot surfers who i will have hot fantasy-type experiences with b/c i'm not in any way committed to new guy.
-make two weeks be more like 2 days in my head.

i think all these things are reasonably do-able in two weeks. no problem. i'll let you know how it all works out.

oh so predictable.

i'm starting to like him too much.
i knew this would happen.
he wants to drive me to the airport when i leave for mexico.
that's 3 weeks away.

i met his brother.
before i met him(the brother), i thought i'd end up wanting to sleep with him (because that's just how things work for me...) but i didn't.
his brother is cute and tall.
but i didn't care.
i like my guy. my guy is cuter.

two and a half weeks in mexico will hopefully start me thinking straight.
i may be getting in over my head.

new developments

i slept at my friends house after a night out of drinking. in an unusual turn of events, we did not have sex. this is progress.
i read at an open mic. just a story. it went over well. one step closer to standup.
i stayed at the boys house last night. i woke up without the usual anxiety.

all these things are small progressions for me. i was having a coffee on college today, writing in my journal - still feeling stuck. in limbo. something weighing me down but not sure what.

then i got a call from my ex. the ex with all the expectations. the ex whom i care about but who drains my energy at least 50% of the time. the ex whom i feel like i can't quite shake off. the ex who needs to be my friend.

he got a job out of the country. he'll be gone for six months at a time. he's leaving in less than two weeks.

i'm happy for him, but also happy for me.

a weight has been lifted.
i feel like there should be some sort of celebration.
it's like leaving home after highschool and realizing that there's no way your parents have any idea or control over what you are doing.
freedom.

stuck-in-my-head cabin fever

ahhrrrggghhhh!
what the fuck is wrong with me.
i'm all weird and in a bad mood and lonely but want to be alone, but not really - and kind of want to see this guy i'm dating... but too stubborn with my 'single and proud' image to tell him i want to see him... and convincing myself that i don't like him... that i'm just bored.

i had an audition for a role i really wanted.
i didn't get it.
obviously.
but i got my hopes up on this one.

balls.

trying to date and act casual is retarded.
the only things that are fun are either
a) passionate affairs with built in endings (ie. vacation fling, or foreign exchange student fling)
b) great relationship with someone you can't get enough of and have so much fun with and who knows you so well and loves every little bit of you and visa versa

things that are not fun include
a)relationships that feel like a shit load of work and are based on ideas not emotions
b) casually dating someone you aren't even into
c) casually dating someone you are into but are trying not to be into because you think you should be living some wild and free single existence... which half the time actually consists of eating icecream alone in your apartment.... however it can sometimes consist of being amazing and writing and going to the gym and being fabulous in general... but not all the time.

so i'm obviously trying to keep my single status for as long as possible.... for the following reasons -
1) i want to be free for flinging when in mexico
2) i want to spend my time writing and pursuing my career.

the problem is i have no motivation to do anything creative. i think i'm at a standstill. i feel creatively and emotionally constipated.

i want to throw myself off the don valley bridge.
but not really.
it's too cold outside.

however, not cold enough to eat a tub of ice cream.
but too cold to go out and get it.

what a dilemma.

giving in

i've stopped freaking out for the time being. reassessed my boundaries. i'm still jumpy and off and an insomniac (only 1.5hrs of sleep last night) - but things are starting to seem more manageable.
i wrote ideas for standup.
i called my agency re: auditions and work schedules.
the boy contacted me and wanted to come over last night.
i said no.
but i invited him and his friend to a party this wkend.
i don't want to avoid relationships and situations out of fear.

i realized my two biggest fears right now are:
-giving up shifts at work so i can audition, and being so broke and so not booking auditions
-falling for someone and ending up in a pattern of a 'why not' relationship.

the broke thing is something i'm just going to have to jump into - take a leap of faith with my career.
the relationship thing is something i don't want to analyze to death and control - i did that in my last relationship and it was robotic and by the book - lacking much needed passion - going all on thought.
so i think i'll go with the flow.

say yes to what i want and what feels right,
say no to what doesn't.

sounds so simple, but it's not always so easy.

not myself

i'm all over the place the past few days. feeling grumpy, then inspired, then quickly uninspired, then tired, then energetic, then lazy and hungry.
i was out with neenia yesterday and she said i didn't seem myself.
i'm all in my head.
i'm antsy.
i feel like i've hit a bump or a loop in my path and i'm wandering around without much control over my destination.
i'm not sure what to do about this boy i'm dating.
part of me thinks 'get out b4 you end up in a relationship'
part of me thinks 'just go with the flow' (however that works) or 'stick with it til the holidays' or 'you're just dating, what's there to think about?'
i don't want to fall into my old pattern of jumping into a relationship b/c it's what the other person wants.
i don't want to be in a relationship.
but i also don't feel like being 100% single. especially as the weather gets colder and the thought of having someone to sit on a couch with and watch movies is extremely appealing.
not to mention sex.
i have an audition tomorrow. finally. but unfortunately i have to give up an hour of work for it. i'm losing $30. with no guarantee that i'll get the audition. and i'm already on a super tight budget.
but i said i had to do this.
i said i had to put acting before the dayjob.
one step back.... two steps forward?
hopefully.
i think i should start doing standup comedy.
but i'm a chicken shit.
and i don't feel all that funny these days.
but it's a way i can progress myself.
it's something i can do.

i feel like making a fort with pillows and bed sheets and hiding in it and eating chocolate chip cookies and reading archie comics.

i can't seem to hold onto a thought.
arrgg.

i was on city tv yesterday. talking about americans vs canadians. wierd. i was stopped in the street.
i didn't see it.
i wonder if anyone i know did.

i got a facebook message yesterday from one of my exes friends who lives in montreal. i never talk to him. it was totally random. he went on about how cute i was and wondered why i ever dated his friend. then said i should look him up if i'm in montreal. random. weird. why do my exes friends hit on me? i have no interest in him.
i feel like the universe is just throwing random shit at me for kicks.

it's still there

[warning: this blog contains a spoiler - must read previous blog "more than words" first. how cheeseball is that??]
------------------------------
I’m feeling conflicted.
I went back to his place last night, partially b/c I had agreed to before the hairclip situation, and partly b/c the hairclip takes some pressure off of exclusivity…
Except for the fact that he’s treating me like a girlfriend-in-progress.
The hairclip wouldn’t bother me so much if he just treated me like a casual dating/sex partner.

If he said “I have to get up really early, so I’ll get you a cab home”, or “I had a good time. We should do this again sometime… I’m really busy, so not this week… but sometime… take care.” I could handle it. If he kept his hands to himself when we were out together. The actions would match the hairclip, so to speak.

But instead he assumes I’m staying over and in the morning says “you don’t have to get up if you don’t want. I’ll give you a key so you can sleep in and leave when you like.” And “I bought us tickets for an event in your neighborhood two weeks from now. Do you think you could leave your Spanish class early and come?” He constantly holds my hand, touches and kisses me in public. He apologizes for the alarm going off early in the morning. He tells me I look sexy ‘morning, noon and night’ – to which I roll my eyes. He gives me a raincoat for the walk home.

My toothbrush, the one he gave me, is in his toothbrush holder.
In the meantime the hairclip is just sitting there on the night stand screaming “lies!”
Sex was distracting.
I was paranoid.
I was pissed off.
I was thinking “when was the hairclip left? It’s all a matter of when. If it was left before we even had sex, that’s one thing… if it was after…”
Orgasm was a nearly impossible thing.

So now what? I have his raincoat. I don’t want to bring the hairclip up, because I don’t want to have the ‘are we exclusive’ talk. I don’t even know if I like him anymore.
I really, really liked him on Saturday night.
Now I don’t know what to think.
I’m not good at breaking things off.

more than words

So I’m getting all nervous and paranoid about this guy b/c he’s actually nice. Like he treats me nicely (he cleans, cooks for me, pays for drinks, provides me with a clean toothbrush) and doesn’t have to point out every time he does (like my narcissistic “I’m such a great catch – aren’t I? aren’t i?” ex boyfriend).

I met this guy online. Weird, but so far okay. He makes me breakfast in the morning. He sends me home with ttc tokens and homemade soup. He invites me to concerts. He’s good in bed. He “we’s” me – which freaks me out a bit. He plays guitar, which is like porn for me. He compliments me. A lot. He notices and seems to appreciate little details about me.

Last night, on the couch, I started pulling the bobby pins out of my hair (I always wear bobby pins to keep my hair out of my face). He lightheartedly mentioned that the other night in bed he rolled over onto one of my ‘clips’ and it freaked him out until he realized what it was.

He mentions how he was thinking about me in specifics: “I was thinking what character you would play in a movie” or “I was thinking about how you like to tell a whole anecdote for what most people will just leave as a comment” or “ I was thinking about you teaching, and what that would be like”. He wants to take me snowboarding.

I’ve been stressed b/c it’s still very, very early. Just dating. But sleeping together. I wonder if I should still go out with other people. I wonder if I could sleep with someone else without feeling like I’m breaking some unwritten rule. We haven’t had the “exclusive talk”.

This morning (after I had agreed to come back to his place this evening) I rolled over, looked at his bedside table and saw a hair clip. The hair clip he was telling me about.

It wasn’t mine.

rules

what are the rules of online dating?
if i am sleeping with someone, is it ok to still make dates with other people?
at what point to i have to be exlusive??
one friend told me that once i am sleeping with and dating one person, it is not in good taste to date anyone else...
but, i mean, we met online...
i don't even know that i have time or desire to date more than one person at a time ... but i just don't know that i'm ready to cut off my options.

the cynicism does wear off

i'm excited about my movie date tomorrow night... date #3 with a so far nice, attractive guy.
i get choked up watching carrie run into mr. big and natasha for the first time in the hamptons.
i fantasize about meeting a perfect guy for me at the rock climbing gym.
i think about romance.
i think i might be able to share my nighttime space with someone else... maybe once a week.
i ache just a little for a warm body to hold onto.

but i don't feel empty,
i don't feel like i'm missing out.
i walked around today with a smile on my face - laughing at inside jokes, loving the fall air, and satisfied with doing things for myself.

i still like being single,
but i'm letting go of my cynic.

understanding

i think my ex finally gets it. he understands that he's my ex and not my best friend. of course, because he is so morally superior to me - he considers me a friend first, and an ex second.
i consider him an ex first - and i'm okay with that.
and he gets it.
horrah!
freedom.

exhole

i emailed my ex bf - whom i'm still friends with on occassion, and asked him not to read my blog anymore b/c it made me feel restricted. totally valid.
so he f#@&ing calls me at 1:20am b/c he wants to talk about it - knowing that i work at 730am the next day! i woke up, didn't answer - but then i was up and down all night and woke up feeling grumpy and tired. so not cool! so not cool at all!! 1:20 in the goddamn morning? is it really that urgent? ahhhhhhhh!!!! (as you can see i'm still filled with the rage one experiences after an interrupted, much needed sleep).
what the hell was he thinking??
why can't i just have a normal ex that hates me?

the internet is decieving

so online guy wasn't what he was advertising.
a bit of a disappointment.
a bit of a relief.
could have friend potential - but it seems obvious that friends is not what he's looking for.
seemed like a sweet guy.
just really young, and nervous, and trying to hard... and a mini lisp....
possible potential... but i dunno...
weird.
maybe the internet guy is there under the nervous first date guy... who knows.

little bit lonely

today is the first day in a long stretch where i've felt lonely. like lonely single lonely. it's not overwhelming - just a twinge.
i have a date tonight. someone i've been out with once before. seems like a really nice guy - someone i would be friends with. i'm actually hoping that's all it amounts to, is friendship, because i'm not sure if i'm attracted to him. although i've only met him once.... the thought of having a 'nice time' with someone i've just met could be part of the source of this new lonley feeling. or maybe it's because the world just slowed down for me today after whizzing around my head. or maybe it's because my friend canceled dinner plans on me at the last minute. or maybe it's because i had sex last night after a moderate dry spell (with a total mutual understanding that we don't want to get involved) and had the taste of something physical again... but just physical... or maybe i'm just tired.
i have an on line crush. this may be either part of source of lonliness, or a byproduct of... i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow. part of me hopes that we don't click in person. or at least not physically... because on paper, he's my exact type - a photographer (hot), adventure photographer (even hotter), rock climber (hot), super active and outdoorsy (hot), a year younger than me (very hot), is environmentally concious(hot), has his own business, his own house and seemingly is successful before the age of 30 (hot/makes me a teeny jealous).
so you see this would be a problem if i end up being super attracted to him as i don't want to be in a relationship.
but then this little enemy called lonliness sneaks up and makes it seem just a little bit appealing.
i just haven't had any luck with those relationship things for such a long time that i've thrown in the towel.... at least for the time being.

well, anyway, this blog is a bit rambly...
i'm sure i'll go back to non lonely by tomorrow.

torn

i'm at a point where i want to reduce my dayjob hours (again) and start being a writer/actor full time. this has always been my long term goal - but the past couple of weeks have made me want it now.
i've already reduced my dayjob hours.
and i like my dayjob - it's great.
but i have all these new opportunites to actually have my writing produced. i have 4 new projects to work on... actually 5... but i've only started 3 ... but the thing is - i want to write. i don't even care that i'm not getting auditions right now. i get to perform on my own (not for pay) in film and on stage anyway.
and i've been sick the past 4 days. i wish i had the money to tell my work to book me off for the next week so i can stay in bed, regain my health, and write write write.
i need to figure out how to do this.
how can i afford to do this??
i'd be happy to do two shifts at my work per week. but that wouldn't be nearly enough money.
i need to book a commercial.
i'd need to get an audition for that to happen.
bah.
i feel all antsy and jumpy inside.
maybe i could get a grant.
maybe i'll call margaret atwood and ask her for one of hers.
good idea.
"hi, margaret? yes. this is artsmonkey... um, you don't know me, but i was wondering if i could have one of your grants...... yeah? .... you don't mind?.... great... i appreciate this!... bye!"
easy as pie.

almost famous

I want to write. i want to do. my input is becoming output.
i have this new director friend who likes working with me.
someone who i like and respect as a director wants to work with me - a lot! craziness.
i'll be filming this scene soon for her directors reel.
i'll have to flirt, laugh, cry, be terrified, be in bed with a man, try to escape murder, try to stop a suicide.
huge test of acting chops.
i'm terrified.
but i'm soooo going to do it.
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
one fantasises about living out these moments on film.
then it is presented to you.
it's now or never.
just go.

date and the city

i had a date.
i have no serious interest in this person.
not even sure if i'm that attracted.
but i had a date!
i learned that on dates, men open doors for women, pay for things (also allow you to pay for some things), help you on with your coat and contact you the day after to say they enjoyed themselves.
hm.
weird hey?
who knew?
i think i like this 'dating' thing.
before when i dated - i was looking for love. i didn't really admit it, but i was. i was looking for 'the one'. so if the date wasn't good, it was depressing. if it wasn't great it was depressing. if i wasn't super into the guy - it was depressing.
now i can just enjoy it for what it is.
i say 'i don't want a relationship'
and now no expectations.
at all.
fun.

more evidence of age

i was at the gym this evening doing some stretching/pilates after a jog. in the same room as me were a cute boxing guy using one of the punching bags and 20-23 yr old cute girl with dancers legs. she was wearing a pink tee shirt and shorts, and was doing some exersises/stretches that gave evidence of a dance background - most likely jazz. i suddenly wished i was wearing shorts and a pink tee shirt.
i was at the side of the room doing some conservative exercises to work on strengthening some necessary muscles to avoid the aches and pains i've been experiencing b/c of jogging... nothing fancy or sexy about it.
the cute girl went through a series of sit ups and push ups and finally started sliding into the splits.
i used to do the splits at the gym.
before i tore my adductor muscles in jazz class.
she was tanned.
i used to tan.
before my dermatologist told me to never again venture into the sun and if i had to i should wear a tent.
guess who the cute boxer guy started talking to?
i remember when the cute boxing guys would come over and talk to me after watching me 'work out'.
i found it somewhat flattering but also kind of annoying.
"i wish i was that flexible"
"can you give me any pointers for stretches?"
god that was annoying. i'm not an object! i know what you're thinking!

i miss that.

funny. i could probably give them more advice now - given my pilates experience.
but i think the splits is better advertising.
for more than just stretching advice.

i think i need to start working on my splits.
maybe i'll ease into it at home.
i wouldn't want to pull anything in public... definitely not good advertising.

ladies who lunch

this woman who directed a documentary i was in last year keeps sending out emails to, i'm assuming, all her female contacts.
these emails are regarding social events that she is trying to organize for "womyn"
she spells it like that:
"womyn"
is that not like nails on a chalk board?!!! gahhhhh!!!!
stuff like "movies for my womyn friends about womyn so us womyn can get together and discuss what it is to be womyn."....blah blah blah
garrrrrghghghgh!!!
so i delete them b/c it takes all the power in me to even skim the email without throwing myself off a building and impailing myself on a lamp post.
but wait - now she just sent me a personal email!
"hey artsmonkey, did you get my email about the upcoming movie date for womyn?"
bahhh!!
yes! but i trashed it! and i am rejecting your offers solely on the premise that i can't stand how you spell 'women'" it's w-o-m-e-n! no 'y'! no 'y' goddammit!!
also i don't know this lady at all and would feel strange and awkward going to some random event with god knows who.
hell, maybe i'm judgemental and awful.
but it's just how i feel.
now i need to find a way to decline politely.

all you need is love?

i watch love on tv. lust. want of love.
i read about love and want of love.
i listen to friends talk about how great it is to have love, how much it sucks to lose and how much they want it.

this topic used to be my thing.
the search. trying trying trying.

it's not in my basket of 'wants' anymore.
who knows why.
maybe i'm exhausted by the search.
maybe i've temporarily given up.
maybe i don't believe in it.
maybe i'm just okay without it.
maybe i've built up my guards so much in the last year or so that i can't even remember what it feels like and therefore don't feel like i'm missing anything.

or maybe i don't even want to bother unless it is the real thing and i don't have the time or patience anymore to play the fairytale.

or maybe i have enough faith that life will lead me where i need to go and i shouldn't bother forcing or searching for it.

i feel like i've had a partial lobotomy and had the 'love' (romantic type) section removed.

in any case...
i think i'm actually content.
for the time being.

all grown up

yesterday a co-worker asked me about my 'partner'. i then briefly explained my break up (including the 4 months post-breakup of working together). he then said 'you must be really happy right about now' referring to the fact that as of a couple weeks ago i'm really on my own.
and i thought, 'yeah, i guess i am'
although the past few weeks (post halifax) i've been down and feeling alone in a not-so-great way.
his simple statement made me think - i should be happy. i have what i want.
i think part of my problem is i've been comparing my new single-dom to what i remember of being single.... but the thing is - the last time i was left single (for more than a month) i was 22 years old. and the time before that - 19.
i'm 27 years old. things have changed. i've changed. pretty much all of the goals i set for myself when i was 22 have been achieved.
i've finished school, i'm financially independent, i have a day job that i like, i live on my own, i have an agent and i'm actively pursuing my career (even though i haven't reached fame and fortune yet).
it didn't occur to me that i want different things now.
what all those things are - i'm not completely sure - but it's time to set new goals and live the life of 27yr old artsmonkey, not 22yr old artsmonkey.
at first i was depressed - i felt old. i felt like maybe my exciting life was coming to a close.
but that's silly. i wouldn't want to be 22 again.

so all that being said - i'm glad i'm on my own. i'm happy that i don't have to worry about anyone but me. i like doing what i want when i want, without feeling like i'm neglecting someone or being selfish.
i'm looking fwd to getting to know and figuring out this more grownup me (but of course not too grown up)

god doesn't want me to get laid

i had my first spanish class tonight.
i'm excited.... twice a week i will be reminded of my upcoming vacation. (3 months and counting).
but...
everyone in my class is a woman! wtf? the teacher was like "all women! this has never happened to me!" so i can't even discount this event to the thought that men don't like learning languages...
i thought this whole taking spanish classes thing might enhance my social life/give me options for extra curricular activities.... and by that i mean having deep conversations... and by that i mean communicating through the international language of 'fuck me'.

all women!
and none that i would sleep with (i gave the class a good scan) - of course i considered it - one must keep their options open... stay optimistic... don't throw in the towel right away... work with what you've got.... i mean, jesus fed a crowd by multiplying fishes and loaves of bread...
there are no fishes or loaves of bread in my spanish class.
not one loaf. or one edible fish.
maybe god would be more on my side if i went to church.
but then i wouldn't be allowed to have frivolous sex out of wedlock.
catch 22: go to church and get guilted out of cock - or - don't go to church and you're off god's wish list.
bah.
i'm switching... pagan's have orgies, right?

late night 'poetry'

Late at night.
All alone.
Feeling less alone after a good day.
But still alone.
Thinking of something.
Sex maybe.
Love.
No.
Infatuation or intrigue.
None of this will materialize.
Just fantasy.
Non committal fantasy.
And I go to sleep alone.
Well.
Not alone.
The cat curls up.
Pinning the blankets around my legs.
Rendering me immobile.
Can I complain?
----------------------
I remember being sent poetry.
‘I wrote one of them’
He says
‘which one’
‘I won’t tell’
I think I’ve picked it out
He’s trying out romance
Seeing if it fits
I’m the guinea pig

---------------------------
Can you tell me something?
Anything
Something to make me think
Make me change
Make something happen
No
Not right now
You will have to settle with what has already been said
------------------------------------------------

It’s difficult to pinpoint
This mixed bag
Of mysteries and disappointments
Hoping the next will be a surprise
-------------------------------------

When the page breaks is it time to stop?
Stop what
Just stop
I don’t know – no one told me the rules
That’s good
I don’t like rules
Neither do I
So let’s just play it by ear.

----------------------------------------------
If it all didn’t come along so quickly
I might be better prepared

all dressed up and nowhere to go

i was filming a scene today to help a director w/her demo reel. the woman i was acting opposite to is will smith's exclusive makeup artist's daughter btw.... side note .... will this make me famous by association??? probably not.
anyhoo - this is not the subject at hand.
here's the thing:
i'm all dressed cute. cute skirt, tank and bohemian style shirt thing. nice hair, makeup....
and i just got dropped off at home.
now what?
nothing.
this would be the perfect evening for a date.
the perfect night for someone to take me out for dinner or drinks.
somewhere nice.
i want to be treated.
is that too much to ask? ???
i look cute goddammit! there are boring - average individuals being taken out all over this city.... pick me! pick me!
(none of this implies that i want a relationship... it would just be nice to be taken out on a date. a real date. i don't think i've had a guy take me out for a real dinner - a nice dinner - (besides my dad) for i don't know how long.... wait - yes i do - over a year ago. last may or april. too long.)
you know, at what point did i decide that men with money = boring and unattractive? what was i trying to prove? i think i need to be a little more open minded.

things to do:
1. don't dismiss men just b/c they have money.
2. get taken out by men who have money.
3. make sure these men are also sleep-with - able.

one must have goals.

friends

it's good to have friends. even when they are far away or only sometimes accessible. last night was a treat b/c i knew neenia and i would get to see each other - and then upon walking home with her it became a blogger party! like this weird suprise! after all this time of blogging and having everyone start out in very different locations - i would have never imagined us all in the same room (minus miss pants - but i'm sure there will be a time for that)
as i tried to get to sleep on the mattress beside alathariel, i thought about neenia in the next room with her b/f - finally in goddamn toronto... of skinny in the room beside that - of whom i'm enjoying the increased frequency of our encounters, and of bedroom prince down the 'hall' with his man. all sleeping.
like a slumber party.
it made me feel like a kid again.... chatting about anal sex into the wee hours of the morning... well - maybe the conversation differed.... whatever - you get my point.
i'm tired today from lack of sleep - but your company was worth it. i will remember this when i am feeling lonely.
thanks for the medicine - it's exactly what the dr. ordered.

wants

i got my hair cut, i have my appetite back and i'm going to listen to jazz tonight.
this is an improvement.
i was reading old journals/morning pages from 9 months ago. most of what i wanted then i now have.
i said that i wanted an agent, i wanted my own apartment, i wanted to not have bedbugs, i wanted to have more money and i wanted time alone - more space. i wanted mornings to myself.
i have all these things.
realizing this slightly improved my mood.
only slightly though. i still think i'm in a weird funk. getting better though.

sharing

i don't like to share unless it's my idea.
i've always been like this.
when i was a child it was toys and ideas.
now it's people.
i'm happy to share friends for the most part.
sometimes it bothers me.
a friend dating another friend.
an ex friends with a close friend.
a close friend independently getting close with an old friend.

i think it's when the shared friendships happen outside of my existence.
i think maybe it makes me feel disposable.
insecure.
afraid of being left out.
afraid of being second best.

thankfully these insecurities pass fairly quickly.
ahhh... human frailty.
i hate to admit it.

redecorating

i rearranged my room. i have sooooo much more space. and it feels brighter. and cleaner. and less cluttered.
i actually am enjoying having tea at home.
i usually can't get out of the door fast enough to get to a coffee or bfast place.
this is good.
this means i might eat in more often and save money.
this means i'll be in a better mood in the mornings.

change is good.

awake at 3:43am

i slept from 5pm-1am.
now i'm awake.
i ate some crackers and cheese. only b/c i was nonfunctionally hungry. food is boring to me the past few days. this worries me. i love food and drink when i am myself.
so if i'm not myself, who am i? good question.

just finished a book called "reinventing eve: modern woman in search of herself"
i've learned new things from this book. i feel like information was witheld from me my whole life. i've been brainwashed with man-propeganda. i already knew this. but i get it even more now.... this pisses me off. i'm glad i read the book though... makes me want to learn more. i want to read the gnostic gospels. i want to know more about how i was mislead by bible stories as a child.

my ex left me messages after reading my blogs. "misinterpreted" he says. "unfair" he says. this may be true.
but what about the day that i don't misinterpret?
how do you really stay friends with an ex and move on at the same time? where does the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship end and the friend/friend relationship begin?
i think he thinks he's better than me in that respect. he's able to be nonhuman, nonjealous, nonirrational. perfectly true to his words...
this could be true.... or it could just be a mask.
i don't want to be different though. these things are a part of me. these things make me real. along with other qualities.
we don't understand eachother.
i don't want us to be enemies. i'd like for us to be friends. i don't know how to be unaffected by changes.

i haven't had much ability to sleep lately. i wonder if something is wrong... like maybe i'm ill...
i think i'll wait it out. highs come with lows.

i have good things that i can think about. but it doesn't change the fact that i'm awake but with no energy. hungry with no desire to eat.
normally i can at least motivate myself to go for a walk or swim or run. movement is always what saves me.
maybe i'm coming down with something.
i'm too tired.

tomorrow is another day.
"the sun'll come out tomorrow" according to annie.
i hope she's right.

tit for tat

i feel like i'm being punished for my past relationships.
the exact same scenario. me on the other side.
me reading his thoughts.
i think he's met someone new.
i'm sure he has. there is not much other interpretation.
i don't want to be friends anymore.
this is too soon.
a few days ago we were sharing a bed.
i'm not happy for him.
i just feel completely ill.
i can't handle things like this.
i'm too human.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
mother goddamn fuck.
why do i even bother letting anyone in.

short circuit

do you remember the movie's short circuit 1 and 2? with what's his face and the robot?
i loved those movies.
i am taking a cue from the robot. i forget his name. but i remember him ramsacking steve gutenburg (is that his name?)'s apartment reading books and watching movies and yelling "input.... input!!" my sister and i used to say that over and over in his funny robot voice. children are annoying... i'm glad i don't have any... anyway - to my point.
i will focus the next few months of my life on input. the last year and more was all about output.
writing. producing. showing. teaching.
i feel drained of fuel.
i need to refill... input.
reading. discovering. watching. learning.
i was down b/c i didn't know what to give out next. what to make.
my resources have run dry.
so now it is time to take classes. spanish. pilates. acting.... study. go for walks. talk with friends. see movies. read books. travel.
i don't know how long it will take to refill.
i have identified the problem though... so now i feel better.
i was wondering why i wasn't itching to put on the next production, expand my current play or write a new one.
i think i figured something out.
i guess halifax had some merit.

home

i just got home today. i feel like i should have something to look forward to. a plan. but i don't really.
i'm glad to have my own space again. i was on the verge of killing my ex. for no reason other than we saw way too much of eachother.
i don't feel like i accomplished anything by going away.
i hate that.
i liked being away. but it was a weird situation.
i reconnected with some old friends. that part was good.
the weather was good.
i realized that i am older than i was 3 years ago. obviously. but i get it.
i love the fall in toronto.
i want to be excited about it. i want to be excited about my single life.
i'm just sort of blah right now.
maybe i just need to give it a day or two.
even my blogs suck.
goddamit!

no inspiration

i haven't been inspired to blog lately. i feel like i have nothing interesting or articulate to say. i'm even avoiding my journal. i read. i read the sixth harry potter. loved it. couldn't believe it. and again i am sucked into the wizard world after a 4 year hiatus. i have to wait to get back to toronto to borrow the seventh... or maybe i'll find someone who can lend it to me here... i need it.

i've been drinking beer nearly every day. eating pub food. eating ice cream and cake. running every other day to try to stop it from turning into a squishy spare tire on my waist.... it's not working very well. and now my ass is getting bigger from running. i don't get how that happens... i'm waiting patiently for the muscle in my ass to start eating the fat on my ass.... i don't think my muscles are all that hungry seeing as i keep feeding them ben and jerry's. dammit.

i'm going broke. my play is going well, but the audiences are super small b/c i barely know anyone here... so all the money i spent to get here is not being replaced by ticket sales. bah. and i want to go out and indulge on oysters and white wine.... i'm obviously going to do this anyways, but i'll feel guilty about it.

i'm here with my ex. it's okay. not great. not horrible. i'm being mean. i don't like that, but it's how i deal with my stress - i act like an asshole. it's one of my more endearing qualities. the 'being friends' thing is going alright... i think it should work in the long run - but i crave space.... although i could use a social life, which i don't really have here. and since it's always him and i out together, it looks like we're married (b/c everyone here over the age of 12 is married) so neither of us even has the chance for meaningless flirtation with the opposite sex. bah. it's a mutual cock block.

yet, i'm not ready to go back to toronto yet. we have 4 more shows. this is still sort of my holiday. when i get back to toronto i have to work. i have to complete the things i've been putting off. i have to put my nose to the grindstone. ouch. that sounds painful.

although i am looking fwd to seeing my friends again. i miss you guys.

rebel without a cause

i just feel like rebelling lately. being bad. doing what i shouldn't. i want to drink, smoke do drugs and have sex with inappropriate people. i want to stay up late on work nights. i want to blow work off (but i can't). i want to eat bad food and spend lots of money that i don't have. i want icecream. i don't want to clean, i don't want to pay attention, i don't want to take on any responsibility. i want to flop around my apartment and order in food and then complain that i'm fat and broke. i want to scream and throw my guitar out the window. i want to write nasty anonymous notes to my upstairs neighbors who throw loud parties on weeknights and don't invite me. i don't want to be nice. i don't want to answer my phone. i didn't send my dad a card for his bday and i'm not going to (we talked on the phone, so i can barely get away with this w/out being a completely horrible daughter). i don't feel like being sensitive to feelings. i'm just feeling like a big grouchy grouch with ants in my pants. i want to have sex but not with my ex. but i'm going to halifax with him for 2.5 weeks and staying probably in the same room. how does this work?
ahhhhrrrgggggg.
i want to break stuff.
it's that time of year.
symbolic back to school.
i don't want to go back. i want to go away.

o yeah.

i just got rapped about while on my bike.
does that make me more white that i just said that.
"i'm lovin' the lady on the bike in the green and black tight"

good times.

photos

ugh. puke. i hate facebook.
i need to stop looking.

fear

the other morning when i was writing my morning pages, i had a small epiphone. i shared it with neenia, and thought i'd share it with the rest of you.
i realized that for the past couple of years i have been motivated by fear when it came to my relationships and partnerships. fear of what would happen if i didn't start or stay in the relationship. fear that i might be missing out on something. fear that i'd hurt the other person. fear that i'd lose the other person and be lonely. fear that i couldn't go it alone. fear that i'd let the other person down.
now i'm in a place where i don't want to merge into a partnership, friendship, or relationship unless it's what i really want. i want to base my actions on positives rather than negatives.

this realization has made me see things more clearly. i now know for certain that i don't want to re-ignite things with my exexexexex. and i'm not worried that i'm letting something pass me by.
i don't want it.
the only reason i'd pursue it would be fear of being alone, or fear of passing up 'the one' and one day waking up and having nothing.

this has been a liberating discovery for me. yet i'm still just in the initial stages of truly figuring myself out and finding what it is that i want in my personal life. it's a lonely journey and i know it's going to be painful at times, but also wonderful at times.

i'm looking forward to doing for myself and acting on my gut.

on the upside

i have my friends.
i have the thought of going to mexico for two weeks this winter to learn spanish.
two weeks of sun and sand and watching boys surf while being a cool, language-learning, nomadic, hostel-staying traveler type.
i felt hot enough today to submit myself for the role of a "gorgeous mermaid" in a commercial. they probably won't call me - but at least i'd call me.
i'm going to halifax in three weeks.
i got more hours this week at work than i expected to - thus i am only partially broke - not destitute.
i'm going to dance class tonight... we'll see how that goes.
i attached my basket to the back of my bike again - making life that much more conveinient.
my exexexexex bf will not be visiting me this wkend. although it would be nice in the moment - it would be bad in the longrun.
i have plans this saturday. i'm tasting the danforth, then going to a birthday party.

so it's not so bad. and the mood is gradually improving.
if i could add a hot passionate no-strings affair to this list and some paid acting work - i'd be good to go.

grrr.

i am in a bad mood. bad. i'm actually generally not in the best of moods lately. i usually have a spurt of energy for a few hours each day - but beyond that, i'm grumpy, pissed off, blazee, sad, annoyed, lazy and dissatisfied. if it weren't for neenia, i'd probably be completely losing my mind.
i'm near to broke. my hours are diminishing at work b/c it's august and everyone is on holiday. i've misplaced or lost 2 of my bank cards. i have to finish apprentice hours for pilates and the studio i trained with is jerking me around and treating me like shit. i'm annoyed by men in general. my ex and i only communicate about business in cold clipped emails. i'm lonely but i don't want to really be around people. it's raining and i was going to ride my bike. my apartment is messy. i have no motivation to do anything. i got hit on a couple times when out with neenia the other night. cute guys. i talked to one for a while. i really had no interest though. what's the point? i'm not wanting to be with anyone right now anyway. i'd just end up back at square one.
okay. this blog is depressing and probably should have been reserved for my journal.
i'm going to go have a coffee. that'll give me my 2 hours of good mood.

book covers

i just came home from eating lunch solo at a vegan cafe on queen east. sitting near me was a six foot tall, very attractive and slim drag queen and a short balding gay wrestler. as i listened to their conversation i found that i had a lot in common with them. i have more in common with them than many of the people i would appear to "fit in" with.
i found this somewhat refreshing.

me myself and i

tonight i took myself out. i was going to stay at home and mope. but then i thought "you wanted to be single so you could spend time with yourself and with friends... so spend some time with yourself!"... i went for a long walk up and down the danforth, listening to my ipod. people watching. feeling very underdressed in my tank and board shorts and flip flops. i think that the danforth may be the high maintenance capital of canada... anyhoo... finally i found a little bakery/cafe where i had a glass of red and spanikopita, all for under $10. and decent red too. while there i wrote in my journal. there were three cute boys sitting across from me. i made up stories about the one facing me. i also wrote about how is facial hair looked like peach fuzz andit looks like a bad attempt to hide a babyface. i left the cafe in a much better mood than when i arrived. then i went to a candy store and was excited to find that they had my favorite british chocolate bar! i used to always get it when i was in scotland. so i bought one overpriced "yorkie" and ate it on my way home. a little too much sugar - and i was about to feel guilty about it, and then i thought - fuck that! it's a waste of my time feeling guity about stuff i eat. it takes long enough to eat it in the first place.
so that was my night. now i am going to watch an episode of the family guy and pretend that i don't have to work tomorrow.

the cheese stands alone

so in 24 hours or so i've gone from being crowded to deserted.

one has said he wont call.
one said he'd call and didn't.
one called to take back everything he said.

i wanted this.

it's a little shocking all at once.

cold turkey?

i always have found the extreme route suits me.

i just ate 2/3rds of a tub of ice cream.

overload

i'm in a shit mood. probably going through substance withdrawl. i feel like i just got back from being in "big brother - trapped in the muskokas". not that being at a cottage wasn't great. but too much emotional stress. a cottage can be relaxing. that's if you aren't there with your ex whom you are trying to be friends with/fighting with/occasionally fooling around with, and another couple who is on the verge of breaking up - all while doing 12 shows in 8 days with absolutely no days off prior to or during the run of the show. it also complicates things when you have a secret sordid past with another one of the cast members which gets drunkenly brought up at 530 in the morning after a night of debauchary. the icing on the "working vacation" (haha) are "i'm thinking of you" text messages coming from the ex ex ex ex ex ex boyfriend who has been hinting at getting back together.
ahhh!!
why is it that now that i've actively decided to be single i'm dealing with more relationship bullshit than ever?
leftover love. i guess i have to deal with what's here before i can get on with anything new.
on the bright side - it seems that things with me and my recent ex will sort themselves out in time. and i'm sure everything else will settle by the end of the summer.

and now i just feel like doing absolutely nothing. but i'm about to go for a 30 min bike ride uphill in 35 degree weather.
am i crazy? possibly. but i just need to move. and running away is not an option. so i think i'll just exhaust myself.

so nice to see you again.

i just want to say i missed all you blogger friends. i was without internet for over a week. i somehow survived. just barely.

where did the time go?

ahhhhh!! i am excessively overwhelmed at all the stuff i need to get done in a matter of a day. not even. tonight. blech. and i'm tired. and i want to take a nap. but my mind is racing too much to sleep. and my body is too tired to get stuff done so my mind won't race anymore.
what happened to all my time?
and when am i ever going to get laid when i'm so freakin busy?!!
i mean, first i have to meet someone. then arrange a 'date'. then decide if i even like them. then possibly have sex....
i have no time for all that.
whatever. i guess i'll have to be celebate for a while.
and stressed out.
celebate and stressed. a bad combination.
oh life.
on the bright side i have an agent.
on the bright side i'm in a show.
on the bright side i get to go to the cottage for a week and a half to do the show.
but why does it have to be so stressy?!!

too sexy

i was thinking about right said fred.
i don't think i'll ever be to sexy for my cat.
my shirt, definitely
my hat, maybe -
but not my cat.
what was right said fred thinking? clearly he wasn't.

one

i am finding much satisfaction in being alone. but i'm not really alone. i am constantly talking and meeting with friends. i've not had much time to feel lonely since returning from new york.... or even before.
i wonder if being single would feel so good if there weren't people out there who loved me and wanted to be with me.
i'm alone by label and by choice, but not alone in spirit.... i think i like that.

to thine own self be true

i'm an insomniac.
today was a healthy day - when i eat healthy it's harder to sleep. so now i'm drinking beer. good choice.
i was thinking about meant-to-be. i was thinking about fate. i was thinking about "to thine own self be true..."
i saw a play about a man who denied himself his true love for his entire life because he didn't want to be a homosexual. it eventually destroyed him and the people he loved.
i wonder if i've been too practical with my love life. after having my heart broken, i've gone about things to ensure that it never happens again. i've lived inside a shell. i've taken no personal/emotional risks.
but is that really true to who i am? or am i just being safe.

i lost faith in love a couple of years ago.
just in the past week i've felt a flicker of something that i haven't felt in a while - faith.
faith that there might be such thing as true love/meant to be.

time to myself has proven to be valuable. so has time with friends. old and new. i want more time.
i'm going to new york - and i'm going to soak it in, send out some questions to the universe, and listen.

?

i was walking on the danforth today and i passed a wedding dress shop that i usually distainfully ignore.
i paused. i looked. i wondered what kind of dress would look good on me.

i'm not well.

not ready for the season finale

it's somewhere around the beginning of the fifth season. the initial relationship and break up have long passed. the messy affair is behind us. his engagement was broken off over a season ago. we're getting along. there's a visit by train that results in much conversation about our past and a little bit of fun. but i'm not yet picking up the broken pieces of my necklace in a fancy hotel lobby in paris.
this season is about me. this is the season where i have my book published and wear fabulous clothes and stand by my friendships and my career. this is the season where i learn to have a relationship with myself.

pancakes that don't work

he's not here. one week i'll see him. maybe. i'm drunk off of 2 glasses of wine drank within 2 hours. how does that happen? i'm making pancakes. i only have half the ingredients. they arent working.
oh well.
my big will visit me tomorrow.
i'm curious.
i'm living in two different dimensions right now.

looking back

whenever i hit a turning point in my life - i tend to look backwards and map out how i got to where i am. i do this with everthing, but specifically relationships. it's like i'm checking in. seeing how far i've come. seeing if i'm different, and how.

i'm going to see one of my exes this weekend. when i still believed in "the one", i thought he was it. i thought he was it for a very long time. then he got engaged. so that solved that problem.... but of course the engagement broke off - but by that time i was through with believing in "meant to be". we've played enough mind games with eachother over the last ten years... ten years? ... nine. anyway - let's say it's put a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to love.

we still maintain a warped sort of friendship. and he never really goes away. the rest of them go away. he seems to always be behind the next corner ready to spring out and mess with my brain... or have me mess with his.

he's got to be the least 'right-for-me' person i've ever dated. when i compare him to my most recent exboyfriend/current friend - he falls far behind. yet i have a certain sense of comfort knowing that he's still out there thinking about me every now and again. i think it's because i get the feeling that he really knows me. or maybe he just knows who i was.
who knows.

i'm very curious to see how our visit goes.... seeing as our last visit was drama to the max.
too bad i wasn't blogging back then - those would have been some very juicy entries.

old habits die hard

i just got off the phone. after almost 2 years of no contact.
he makes me smile. he makes me laugh. really laugh.
he's such a...
he's so...
he's...
he's trouble.
and he's heading my way.

oh for fuck's sake.

memory

i stood outside of american eagle and remembered a shirt he used to wear. i loved that shirt. he looked so good in preppy/beachy clothes. i got caught in this memory for a while.
then i thought about his current girlfriend.
and i thought about where i was when i was with him.
and i think he's let himself be average.
he always let himself be average... even though he's not. or maybe he is. maybe i gave him too much credit.
i wonder if it's lonely, or if the days go by easier.

i go through phases where i think a lot about the people i've left behind. did i leave them, or did they just not want to come with me? i suppose in the end it's the same. i'm here. they are there.

i get a certain satisfaction in being alone. i get a certain comfort from being with someone.
i wonder if the two will ever come together and i will have comfort and satisfaction.
then i think - maybe i will never be satisfied - isn't that the life of an artist? isn't that why we create? but i know i'm on the right path. even if sometimes i stall or meander around in circles for a while.

at my birthday - one of my friends had a dejavu. i said that i like being part of someone else's dejavu. it makes me feel like i'm on the right path.

if i pay attention to the details, it isn't so hard to figure out where i'm going.

alone

i feel sad today. and sick. i have a cold. my mouth feels pasty. i don't want to leave the confines of my tiny apartment. i have things i have to do. i'm moving super slowly. i spoke to both of my parents yesterday. one in person, one on the phone. it was nice to talk, but i feel distant from them this time. i don't think they understand me. i think they worry about me. i think they want to fix me. but i don't want to be fixed. i didn't think there was anything wrong.

things to do:

- stop being an insomniac
- stop eating excessive bowls of raisin bran
- be in a musical soon
- take more dance classes
- make kick ass demo tape to get agent
- go to ny over long wkend
- get guitar re-strung so it doesnt sound like shit
- be hotter in general
- buy toilet paper

synchronicity

i think i may have magical powers... either that or fate is hanging around me as of late.
situation #1:
a used-to-be best friend of mine fell out of my life. for various reasons. conflicts, misunderstandings, competition, hurt feelings, separation of interests etc. she's been on my mind. two nights i dreamed of her. thought i should email. put it aside. today i'm eating b-fast at a greasy spoon and journaling. thinking today i will definitely email her and say we need to be friends again i even write this down. i am determined. i pay my bill, walk outside and head to my dance class. there she is - standing in front of the door, back turned to me...writing a note that says "hi artsmonkey, i miss you...." i interrupt her writing and we reuinite after four months of not seeing one another.
situation #2:
i don't feel like teaching a particular client a couple of days ago. i think hard about how i want her to cancel her appointment. right before her time slot i go to the receptionist and he says "she's not coming - she got in a car accident" ahhh!!! i ask if she's okay - he says it was very small, she just has to take her car in. phew! but still - that'll cost her a lot of money!
i think i might have superpowers. i need to use them wisely.

now i need to think up a superhero name! i just thought of that....
any suggestions? it has to have something to do with mindpower.... actually i'm also quick too... this one time when i was at h&m i caught a falling manequin without even a sideways glance... it just started to tip and i gracefully caught it while ever-so-casually walking out the door....
but that's the only cool thing i've done like that....
any suggestions?

unclassified

i like my non-relationship. there's no pressure. no/very little expectation. just time well spent. i wonder if this can last. it took about two weeks of being depressed, three weeks of breaking up/trying to be friends and one week of putting friendship into action. there will probably be more work ahead - but so far so good.
i'm friends with my ex.
i don't think i've done this successfully before.
let's see how it goes...

maybe....

... i will go to new york and visit antsypants... i've never been to new york.
... i will wander new streets with bedroom prince and talk ideas.
... i will go dancing - i haven't gone dancing dancing in a while - when you just go to dance.
... i will help neenia bake cookies. i might even share my secret recipie.
... i will climb lots with my ex and maybe some new people too.
... i will stay true to what i believe i need right now, and not let others sway me in times of weakness.
... i will get this agent who is interested in me.
... i will wear skirts more - and buy new shoes!
... i will celebrate my 27th b-day in 11 days without the fear/depression of being closer to 30 and not having enough to show for it. because i do have stuff. lots of stuff.

three days later...

i'm feeling less panicked about the decision. i'm remembering that this wasn't a rash decision... nor was it only mine.
still feeling blah-ish.
lacking motivation.
wanting to sleep.
not wanting to work.
annoyed that the pool i swam at last fall is closed for 3 1/2 more weeks.
wondering what happens next.
hoping i can still have a good summer in spite of this change.
having a crush on john cusack's character in 'sure thing' a 1985 movie that any fan of cusack should watch.
wondering what my ex is doing, thinking, feeling.
thinking i should probably get off my computer and go do something productive.

not fun

i'm confused. i feel like a decision that was mutual has now become my decision alone. i feel like i should be moving forward - but i'm not. i'm still in the same place. and what am i moving forward from? i'm not looking for someone else. i don't want to be in a new or different relationship. i liked my relationship but for various reasons there was a need for time apart.
i think it probably comes down to me being scared shitless to jump into something 100%. i've done that before. i've put my heart completely into one person before. this time i tried to be rational. i tried to hold part of me back so that i wouldn't make any stupid decisions. i didn't want to make the same mistakes. now i don't know how to give 100%.
i feel like i'm completely f#@*d.
maybe it's the wrong person.
maybe it's the wrong time.
maybe i'm just wrong.
i really hope to god that time will tell and i haven't just shot myself in the foot.
this moment sucks.

one year ago

one year ago i was starting to get into the shitty part of an exciting rebound relationship. one year ago i was moving out with a good friend. one year ago i was unemployed. one year ago i was broke. one year ago i was broken hearted. one year ago i was complicated and restless. one year ago i was looking forward. one year ago my blogs were a little bit more fun.

now.
now i'm single.
now i'm not broke.
now i'm employed.
now i'm living completely on my own.
now i'm a little lonely.
now i'm looking forward.

i think it's time to have some more fun.

questions

when two people in a seemingly 'good' relationship break up - the people surrounding them become unsettled. one of the most diffucult things about ending a relationship is answering people's questions. and i know it shouldn't matter... but for some reason it adds to the weight of change.

isn't this supposed to be easier

i was doing okay. 24 hours. 30 hours. then the sun goes down. then there is no one else to talk to. then there are no more messages to check on facebook. then the book that i'm reading becomes exhausting. and i realize that i'm lonely. and i realize that i miss you. and i call you. and you say you'll call me back. and i hang up. and i cry.
making decisions out of practical assesment of a situation never makes it easier on the emotions.
is this the right choice? is this a bad idea? what happens next...
i'm surrounded by relationships that are not ideal. yet they continue. open relationships, long distance relationships. half assed relationships. i want something more. i want to know what i want. i want an 'aha!' moment. i don't want to settle. i don't want to just float along, existing...
but i understand why that is easier. i understand why one would choose that.
i'm looking for clarity.

11:11

it's 11:11, make a wish.
i wish i was skinnier
i wish i knew what i wanted from my relationship
i wish i had the summer off of work but still got paid
i wish i was in mexico, or paris, or vancouver or new york without a care in the world
i wish i had more motivation to do more, write more, be more
i wish my friends all lived within the same block
i wish someone would give me $1500 to pay for my fringe trip to halifax
i wish my sister would call me
i wish i had really cool clothes that always made me look fabulous
i wish i had a personal shopper to get the wardrobe for me
i wish my apartment was newly clean
i wish my next door neighbor and i were friends
i wish my mucscles didn't ache and feel sore and semi injured after a week of sticking to my fitness goals
i wish i had an agent
i wish i was in a movie
i wish my throat didn't feel like rocks
i wish my blogger friends were still dedicated to their blogs

i think i just realized something.
possibly an epiphone (sp?)... i'll have to sit on it a while b4 i come to any conclusions

advice from dad

over the past few years since i've moved out and become adult-like, there have been many times when it's just been me and my dad - talking about life. and i've had the chance to ask him advice on relationships and love. my dad isn't usually one to give advice unless asked, unlike my mom who freely flows with opinions (which i value/have engrained into me), so his words often resonate in my head at times like these. my parents have what seems to be a successful relationship. they hold hands, they do lots of stuff together, they talk -they have sex (gross/inspiring) from what i can see they are quite happy together after 30 + years - so advice from them has some clout.

from what i've gathered, these are a few things my dad believes about relationships:

-marry someone you love, whois your best friend, who has similar values.
-marry the person you would most want to spend the rest of your life with over anyone else.
-keep mutual friends.
-don't go on 'girls/boys night out' style vacations without your significant other (eg. vegas or all inclusive resorts - i think camping and outdoorsy vacations with littl potential for extra marital hookups are okay- i'm a little fuzzy on the details)
-restrict social time with friends of the opposite sex to daytime, preferably public locations - eg. lunch or coffee. dinners, drinks and eveinging home visits are generally innappropriate/potentially sending the wrong message/potentially risky.

then, of course there's the advice from mom:
-your spouse should be your best friend and have similar values
-not advisable to live with someone you don't intend to marry
-communicate
-be a unit/do things together
-it's not wise to marry someone you haven't slept with yet - just in case they are gay.

i think my parents are pretty smart. sometimes the advice torments me slightly as i am still forming my own opinions. but part of me thinks that their opinions have more value as they are in an actual life-long, happy, working relationship - where as i rarely know what the f i'm doing.

as i write this, my bf is at home with a female friend. they had a date to watch a movie that had mutual interest as they both want to work with the director. i just got a call from him around midnight, saying hi - making plans for tomorrow, and telling me that he's thinking about me. it's quite possible that he's discussed me with her. it's quite possible that he's disclosed to her that things are a little shakey (for lack of a better word) between us right now. yet this doesn't bother me at this moment. i'm not jealous/i don't feel threatned. i don't think that there's anything "going on". however, in the long run, i don't know how i feel about this type of socializing with the opposite sex. in the long run, it can't be the wisest choice. however, at this point in my life i'm thinking mostly about the present - which may be why i'm not bothered by this.
i wonder how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
what is the general opinion on friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship?

hooked up

i have the internet at home! yeeha! hopefully this means i will be blogging more.
see you more often friends!

i thought i had it together...

i just checked my banking online. a forgotten loan withdrawl, a bounced cheque, a climbing visa bill, a nsf fee, overdraft. fuck fuck fuck!! i thought i had my shit together! i've been so busy i haven't been paying attention to my finances. i've been eating out too much. i've bought some clothes. i guess i can't afford these things. i thought i could now. i thought with my new job that i was fine. nope.
next rant - new pics of me on facebook. why do friends post unflattering pics of you online? how is this nice? it's not!! i look weird and fat. now i feel fat. fat and financially unorganized.
and i'm hungover slightly. i was going to go to the gym. not going to happen today. not unless this headache goes away. i had plans tonight. plans that cost money. i might not be able to go. not unless i get paid.
not enough time. not enough money. not enough metabolism.
grrrr....
i want to hide under a rock.

it all passes with time

so i'm not feeling jealous anymore. i've come to a calm. i'm sure i'll be back there again, but for now it's all okay. i think that lack of communication almost always ends up in me freaking out about something. time apart does the same thing. lack of quality time together. remember to stop and smell the roses, right? that's kind of hard to do when we don't get spring til june.
i like reading my friends blogs. i like this little community. it's reassuring. facebook is not like that. facebook is more surface. small talk. i get bored with small talk. i enjoy facebook for what it is - but it's like reading a glossy magazine vs reading a great novel.
today is the kind of day that i would like to last for longer. it's a sleepy day after a long day of productivity. a day where i want to sit and watch tv and eat comfort food and cuddle and have sex. unfortunately i work all day tomorrow. work is good. work is money. but if i had extra money, i would take tomorrow off. i would sit at home. i would make pancakes. i would go window shopping. i would cut my toenails and maybe dust my furnature.
sometimes i think there is more than one person inhabiting my body. my moods change so drastically.
maybe i am insane.
that would be interesting. to be insane - but not find out until you were like 80 years old.
what is going on with this blog?
it's a weird boring self conscious blog.
i'm having fun writing it.
not like disney land fun.
but fun.
actually, more fun than disney land. because i don't have to stand in a line up.
i hate lineups. it's the aspect of waiting.
i don't like waiting.
i like doing.
i think i'd love lineups if i always got to budge to the front. then it would be fun. passing all the people. looking at how they wait.
i think i'm going to go eat or drink something.

irrationality

i don't know what's wrong with me. i've never been a jealous/insecure person before on more than a momentary basis. i've rarely cared if a boyfriend has female friends, or looks at porn or thinks my friends are cute. yet for some reason all of these things in my current relationship make me want to scream and cry and puke. i actually have a full bodied physical reaction. there is definitely something wrong with me. i'm being highly irrational. what do i do about this? this is clearly my problem, not his... so what do i do! somebody help me!!

unexpected day

i got mugged. mugged you say? mugged. sort of. i wiped out on my bike big time. that hurt. i was in cracktown, the canadian ghetto, the projects.... regent park-ish - whatever. bad bad bad place to wipe out on your bike. my basket wasnt fastned down. it fell. it pulled my bike over. i went down with it. in the middle of the day. crazy crack people came over - yelled at me to get up. one tried to help. grabbed my bike w/ my bag in it - i had a hard time walking. i got my bike -after some other guy came and grabbed the bag out of my basket. with my wallet in it. "give me back my bag!" "all my stuff's in there" "fuck off bitch" "i'll shoot you" no one cared. everyone just watched. everything seemed out of focus. fiction. a bad movie. i called my bf. "where are you? call the police" "911 - hello - i just had my bag stolen by a guy on a bike" "where are you? do you have a description? what was in your bag? where did he go?" i call work "i can't come in to work. i got mugged. i'm okay. i called the police." i cling to my bike and walk to a corner store. there's nowhere to lock my bike. i press my bike to a fence and lean on it. i realized that i slightly peed myself. i feel like a moron. a stupid white girl upper middle class idiot. my pants are torn. i'm bruised. my bf shows up. the police show up. lots of questions. lots of calling banks and cancelling credit cards. my day's been thrown off. a bunch of my play posters are in the bag. they are worth money. my bag is long gone. maybe someone will find the bag and come see my play.
just a day.
bad location to fall off a bike. bad timing.

"i am stary eyed and vaguely discontented..."

spring is in the air. the cold winter-like air. but it's here. the antsyness. the anticipation of what? something. my show opening in less than 3 weeks. my sister and my parents visiting. the show ending. the extra free time after the show. what will i do? what will life be like? will i actually give myself the free time that i'd like?
this time of year always comes with ants in the pants. i'm always just slightly bored. feeling a little bit reckless. i want new clothes. i want to pierce something. i want to lose weight. i want to eat a giant pie with icecream. i want to go somewhere. i want to meet someone new. i want more stimulation. but i'm too antsy and restless to actually get things done.
when i'm rich, i will just fly off in my private jet at times like this. or buy a random ticket to somewhere and only bring a credit card. i'll write stories. i'll run around and scream in exotic locations.
i suppose i could run around and scream on the danforth.
not as exciting - is it?
what is that? spring fever. it's times like this that i remember that we are just animals responding to our natural instincts. animals! all of us.

faith

i feel slightly ill. i started a 30 day cleanse yesterday. it's kicking my ass.
i felt blah all day today - until i went to work. i was dreading work. i wanted to sit at home and mope. but then i went to my job, and i remembered "hey, i like my job!" unfortunately i got a headache and the last hour and a half was a bit tedious - but not b/c of the work.
my bf and i had a conversation last night. about fears. about us. we have these conversations sometimes. they are good b/c they connect us. i think he's a wonderful person... a wonderful person for me. i'm waiting for the day that i can believe in fairytales again... that i can believe in "love conquering all" and "meant to be" and "soulmates". he's worthy of all these things - but i'm still cynical.
it's hard to restore beliefs 100% when they've been shaken. i used to believe in things so strongly, with such conviction. now i protect myself. i don't committ. i wait and see. that's not good enough. how do i get it back?

goodtimes on my own

i'm starting to settle into living alone. i like it! i don't have to share! i never liked sharing. i was always taught to share - so it's not my parents fault. i clearly was born with a "doesn't like to share" gene. i can't help it. i don't even really like sharing with my cat. his litter box is under the sink in the bathroom. he likes to kick his shit out of his litter box. i think he does it to piss me off. how would he like it if i did my business beside the toilet? i think he would find it insulting. at least he hasn't yet rolled his turds over to my bedroom area. he used to do that when i lived in a basement apartment. i don't think he liked it there. why do animals get away with leaving their shit around when they're pissed off? if i did that i wouldn't have any friends. my cat, however has friends. people like him. even cats like him. it must be his stunning personality.

all by myself

i've moved out on my own. it hasn't really sunk in. i live closer to work. i don't know if that's a good thing. the commute is short. but it's also weird b/c i'm so used to that neighborhood being associated with work, that i haven't yet figured out how to remove work from my mind when i'm in my own area. if that makes sense.... and i'm farther away from my bf. so we see eachother a bit less. and i haven't quite figured my way around the area yet. i don't have a routine for buying groceries etc. i feel like i'm alone more often - which i am - and i think that's a good thing - but it takes some getting used to.... so now i'm at my bf's place - he's not here - and i'm watching connie and carla go to vegas... or something like that - and blogging, and trying to do some work... or something. clearly avoiding my quiet aloneness at my place. maybe i need cable.
cable is the devil.
i also just ate half a tub of icecream. there's been a lot more of that going on lately.
i suppose all this just takes some adjusting to.
being on my own is empowering - but it's also kind of scary - it's like i don't have backup anymore. roommates are kind of like family - and now i dont live with family anymore.

having your bf read your blog regularily can actually be a good thing. i guess what they say about communication is true.

post from the past

okay. so i've decided to post the post that i didn't post... all in the spirit of what a blog should be. also - my issues in my past post are still in my head. so here it is:
feb 23rd, 2007.
i've gotten myself all worked up. i was talking to my bf about 'when harry met sally' - or he brought it up - can't remember - re: how all men want to sleep with their female friends. which i replied "do you?" and he said 'of course - don't you have fantasy people?" which of course made me want to throw up in my mouth. i said "well, yeah, sort of - but nothing consistent." i just can't get these comments out of my head. i can't stand the thought of him thinking about these other women. i'm obsessed with it. it's eating me up. and i said "i know who they are too" and i named a few - and he didn't deny. he didn't say anything at all. and i wanted to cry. he was just being honest. at least my other boyfriends had the decency to lie - or if they dont they tag it with "but none of them are as hot or sexy as you" - at least i got that. and now i feel terribly insecure. i want to rip out my hair. so last night he initiated and i just couldn't get into it - i told him to stop. i couldn't get into it b/c i just was thinking he'd be thinking about how hot it might be with someone else. and yes i think about other guys here and there - sometimes more frequently than others - but to be honest, i can't get past the first kiss in the fantasy unless my bf is in the fantasy too - it's like i can't do it - i'd have to force my mind to go there. i've always had a hard time thinking about a full out fantasy with someone i'm not involved with. but i know what goes through my head when i interact w/ a guy i'm attracted to - i know. so i know what people think about. and i'm afraid. i'm afraid that love wont conquer all - and i have a hard time believing in love because i've had it crumble before - and i've crumbled before and let myself down. the only thing i know to be consistent is lust, desire, fantasy - i know how to play these games - i can predict what the outcome will be - but with love - i don't know. i just don't know. but i don't tell my bf if i think about another guy - b/c it poses no true threat - b/c even inf i was single i probably wouldn't pursue these people. and he doesn't need to be thinking about these things anyway - there's no way it could strengthen our relationship.
does he get jealous? he doesn't act like he does. all he says is that he trusts me. and he loves me. and that he chooses to be with me. with me. but i worry that i'll never be the fantasy for him. i'll be the fantasy for other guys - other guys with girlfriends. and those guys girlfriends will be fantasy for someone else.... why is it that we all want what we can't have?

let down

i fucked up my audition. the one that mattered. well, it was ok. but not good enough. blah!
and on a side note - i had written down a blog to post - b/c i was all worked up about fidelity, and jealousy and monogamy and fantasy and reality and expectations of love. but i'm not so worked up about it anymore. so now it's just there - on a piece of paper. i missed my emotional window to blog.
i hate it when that happens.

what is this... stillness?

i'm at the library. i should be looking up monologues for my audition this saturday. but instead i blog. instead i look at facebook. i'm new to it, and somewhat fascinated. unearthing all these people that up until two days ago had disappeared.
and i'm not busy. well, let me rephrase: i am busy - but i'm not so busy that i don't have time for blogging, or a coffee date, or going to the gym, or having sex. i like this. i feel like i'm forgetting something - but i'm not - my schedule is allowing me time to breathe... just a little.
yet this is just a lull. i can feel it. i predict that my next time to breathe will not be for another few months. i have big expectations for this year. i expect to be journeying toward greatness. if this doesn't happen i think i'll be disappointed. i suppose it depends on how i view greatness.

i feel antsy. and excited. like something big is just at my fingertips. like everything will change again. like everything will change over and over and over until i've transformed like a butterfly from a caterpillar.
maybe i'm destined to be famous like my fortune cookie said. or maybe i've just had too much sugar today.

leaving so soon...

so the big move out on my own is less than a wk and a half away! it's a super small bachelor apartment - but it will be mine! and my cat's, of course. i'm excited. i'll be close to work. i'll be close to the organic grocery store, and fruit markets, and my gym, and pubs.... yay! i hope i actually stick to this place for a while. i really am not a fan of the moving.
anyhoo. this blog is pretty boring/informational, so i will end it - b/c i feel like my blogs have not been thoughtful enough lately.

i found an apartment! yay! no more hunting!

what's up w/ the hostile takeover?

so i've been struggling to continue signing in as "old blogger". alas, i've been bullied into signing in through google as "new blogger". balls. today i tried signing in as "old blogger" and a page came up saying "from now on you will sign in through your google account as "new blogger"". oh i will, will i? where's the please and thankyou? where's the "sorry we are making blogging less convienient for you" ?? huh!!
fine.
i've submitted.
but i just gotta keep blogging!

ps. groin update: still pretty f-ed up.
pps. apartment update: closer, but no major luck.... i feel like goldilocks... too small, or too far away, or too much $$, or too grungy etc. etc.

clutzy mc clutzerson

so i was dancing around my apartment like a super star and singing and feeling all special about my self b/c i got an audition for a company i really want to work on (plus i'd had timmy's coffee - aka crack). when all of a sudden ' pop' goes my groin (aka: adductor longus muscle most likely) - and now i'm hobbling around like a war amputee. well, not really - b/c i still have my leg. sorry. that was both a politically incorrect and innaccurate description.
standing hurts.
so does sitting on the toilet.
two things i like to do.
dammit.
you must all pray for artsmonkey's groin to heal.

where will i live?

i'm currently mid - apartment search. i don't like searching for apartments. i like the idea of living in a new apartment - all by myself... but i don't like looking. i went to a place yesterday that, by it's description, seemed pretty sweet. it was a dungeon. how do people live in these places? the guy showing it was like "it's warm".... and i was thinking - so is a monkey's armpit, but i wouldn't live in a monkey's armpit, would i.

s.a.d.

i think i might be depressed. i think maybe it's just the weather.
i think i'd like it to just be the weather, or the time of year, or hormones, or lack of vitamins or something.
i think if it's something else - like not being satisfied with my life - then i would have to do something to change that, and i don't want to.
because i'm depressed. and being depressed also includes not wanting to do anything at all. not even the things i love to do.
i should be happy. i'm shooting a film this weekend. i'm in a play. i have a good job. i have a great boyfriend. i have great friends. after the play is over i'm starting rehearsals for my play. in theory, i have everything i need to make me happy.
blahhhhhhhhhh. in theory. fuck that. i feel like a pile of runny poo. gross description. sorry.

i'm also a bad person for the following reasons:
1)my sister's b-day just passed, and i havent sent her a present yet. i called her, and texted her... but still... it's half assed.
2)i've generally been neglecting to get together with friends. mostly b/c i don't have a lot of time, but also b/c i'm lazy
3)my cat is at home and is probably wanting food about right now. but i'm not going to be at home for at least a couple of hours. or more. b/c i have work to do. work that i should have been doing this afternoon - but instead i was eating sushi and chocolate cake in an attempt to not be depressed for like one second. it didn't work.
4)i make assholey jokes around my boyfriend regarding breaking up or leaving him for someone else. neither of these things are true. i'm just making a lame ass attempt to act casual in case my heart gets broken somewhere along the way. lame. what the f@#* is wrong with me?

listening to 'seal' songs on the computer is probably not helping me any. i don't even like seal. fuck you seal! hmm... i'm going to change my music (well, actually it's my bf's music - does he like seal? he must... i've learned something new.)

okay. i've switched the music to cherry poppin' daddies....... helping? not really.... now i just want to laugh hysterically and cry..... and maybe rent swing kids so i can ball at the end when the kid is holding the umbrella and shouting "swing hio!" is that what he's saying? i don't know. but it's emotional and heartfelt and it's a kid - so therefore it makes me cry. unless i've only caught the end of the movie, in which case it just makes me recount the experiences in which i've watched the whole movie and cried.
now i've over analysed it. i can never enjoy that moment again.
balls!
i'm insane.
i'm going insane!!! help!!
i now have an urge to fling myself onto something or off of something or into something.... i just like the image of flinging oneself. i get an image of a floppy type person/cartoon being dramatically whipped across a space like an elastic band. wheee!
okay. that "whee!" was a total lie. i didn't feel it. now i'm a faker as well as an asshole.
and nothing's worse than a faker. i'd rather be a mother f#@*er. hey - that's a website - or an email address or something. wtf?! i'm totally going to the link. after i finish this blog.
who am i kidding. this blog was finished like five paragraphs ago.